Miss. Melissa

Real life.

2011-11-22T15:25:00.001-08:00

Well, it happened. Somewhere between 22 and 23 I unwittingly forgot to remember that my blog exists. When I began law school I did so with enough consciousness to know that those three years of my life would likely zap every ounce of creative individuality out of me, and I fear I was almost half correct.

Looking back to that time that seems like at least a decade ago but in fact was only last year, I really had no shadow of an idea what I was truly getting myself into. I knew it would be challenging, I knew it would require more work than I'd put into my entire education up to that point (I was the kid who never studied and got A's anyway), I knew I would have to be broke for a while and I figured I was the closest to terrified I had ever been.

I was right! It has been the single most grueling and horrible academic experience I've ever had! I love it! Doing something that I was completely terrified and unprepared for has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, and I'm not even done yet!

It was late August of last year when I found my seat for my second day of Civil Procedure 1. I had no idea what a fateful day it would be as I rushed to get ready and make my way to school. I didn't think I was unprepared for class and I had no idea just how spiteful my evil Civil Procedure professor could be. Somehow I managed to make it to class right on time in spite of running late that morning, find my seat, and stare in shocked horror at the professor who said "Mr. Morris" while glancing curiously around the room. I hoped against hope that there really was a "Mr. Morris" somewhere in the class, but alas, it was I for whom the death bell tolled. I waited silently for the spawn of satan (aka first year law school professor) to find his seating chart which I knew contained photos of each student beside the student's name, locate "Mr. Morris," say "ah, Miss. Melisssssa Morris" with a sinister smile, and look up to meet my devastated face.

For centuries (I'm using "centuries" because it sounds good, not to be historically accurate PAHAHA), law schools have used something called the "socratic method" to teach hopeful law students. Under this method, evil professors call on random students in the class who must then stand and recite the facts (and whatever else the wicked professor wants to know) of whichever case is up for discussion.

Without forcing myself to relive all the horror of that day, suffice it to say that I learned a thing or two from that experience beyond just the mechanics of establishing personal jurisdiction over a defendant in a civil lawsuit. I learned that getting the air scared straight out of my lungs was good for me! I learned that a human being can grow more in ten minutes of embarrassed misery than in a decade of comfort! I learned to wear easily-removable layers on days that I may have a hundred sets of eyes on me. I learned to speak clearly and choose my words before they reach my vocal cords, to smile even when it seems like someone in authority over me wants to crush me like a bug, to remember that most things that happen today won't matter in a year (at least not in the same way), that confidence is a "fake it till you make it" thing sometimes, and that the human mind truly is an amazing creation when pulled and prodded to its full potential.

So today, after all this time of neglect (so sowwie), I write to encourage anyone who reads this (including the future me) to really live. Do something that scares the air out of your lungs and the moisture out of your sweat glands!! Reach for heights that scare you to death! Don't be intimidated by the climbing process, just look to the wonderful view that one day will be yours.

Check out this amazing view from a visit to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, last month. Gorgeous!!

Nothing but the truth.

2011-05-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

I like to talk. I'm not in love with the sound of my voice, but I enjoy thoughtful, interesting conversation. It's very possible that I enjoy listening more than I enjoy actually speaking, probably because I like to analyze the abundance of peoples' hearts. It never gets boring putting pieces from different conversations with people together, to get a big picture of the complexity of a life and a mind. Oftentimes people display an array of inconsistencies, their own depths or shallowness, their passions, fears, desires, wounds and insecurities without even intending or noticing the disclosure.

Because I've loved to listen for as long as I can remember, I'm pretty good nowadays at distinguishing between sincerely spoken words and the slick, smooth talk intended to pull heart strings and glaze over the things that really count. But, every once in a while, I find myself actually WANTING to believe the smooth, less-than-perfect-truth. Have you ever found yourself there? I know full well that I'm being told precisely what my fellow conversationalist thinks I want to hear, I realize that it probably isn't entirely sincere nor "all of the truth," but here I am willing myself to believe it all.

They say ignorance is bliss, and I half believe it. If only I could stop thinking about the fact that I know better, I would probably be living in some arena of bliss, floating between clouds 9 and 14. Instead, I think about the long-term repercussions of a relationship with a sweet talker and realize that I'd probably end up sucka punching him at some point, which is not a godly thing to do at all. *insert evil laugh.* Today, my sweets, I encourage you to mean what you say and to say everything that you mean, listen for the truth, and don't sell yourself short for anything less.

Content.

2011-05-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

Every so often I find myself restless. It seems the moment that "things" settle into a pattern of "ordinaryness," I feel an overwhelming urge to somehow break the monotony of it all. Similarly, if I find myself settling into a particular category or label, I feel like I have to step something up a notch somewhere or set a new trend.

For a long while, I hated this feeling. I hated being stuck in a classroom or a house, not being able to get out and actually live and learn. But, like all horrible things, that while came to an end when I got a job. I travelled whenever possible, saw as much of the world as I could, met a thousand good people and a thousand bad, enrolled in law school and ate more exquisite food than I had ever imagined could be cooked (or uncooked).

This restlessness pushed me to work hard in order to be able to satiate my endless curiosity, and for that I am grateful. Yet, now, I'm 22 (which, allow me to reiterate, is NOT old) and have experienced this familar feeling enough to know that it is not always satisfied by earthly knowledge and experience. In fact, learning to be content (this is different from being satisfied with mediocrity) has been one of the most rewarding endeavors of my life thus far.

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Philippians 4:11 (King James Version).

Dark Side.

2011-04-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

It happened. I traded in the lovely white iPhonie for...

Oh how I miss thee, white iPhonie..
Except, of course while I'm FaceTiming...
And taking pix without waiting..
And multi-tasking without freezing...
:)

Have you ever met a pormie?

2011-03-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

Pormies, although oftentimes charming and sensitive, don't like to take responsibility. Life happens to pormies, nobody genuinely likes pormies, everyone sincerely hates pormies, and some people even have the audacity to sing songs at pormies that instruct the pormies to eat worms.

These delicate creatures are known for their unceasing ability to rain on parades, damper sunshine and even pop bubbles at the drop of a hat. Have you ever asked someone how they were doing, listened for several minutes to the response, noticed the sky turning gray, then regretted your inquisitive thoughtfulness? Are you a friendly person who's intentionally avoided a particular someone just to keep your glass running over? Have you ever wondered how someone can look around at their blessed existence and still muster the negativity required to throw a pity party?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you've probably encountered a pormie at some point during your life. Sure, pormies can zap the happiness and peace right out of you, blame everyone else for their faults, failures, insecurities and bitterness, and even make you want to physically shake them into reality (whilst screaming at the top of your lungs, "YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM--- YOU'RE MERELY AN UNMOTIVATED IMBECILE!!")(*Insert clearing of throat and straightening of attire here*), but they are valuable contributors to society too...

After all, if you'd never met a pormie, you would never know how badly you want to get up, brush yourself off, catch your breath, smile and keep on walking, right past them and their gummy worms!

MiPhone.

2011-01-24T11:25:00.000-08:00

It's a sad, sad day when you realize that your best friend in all the world (a.k.a. your iPhone) is approaching its demise. I've had my lovely white iPhonie for longer than I've had any other cell phone, it's gone with me to a billion different states (bet you didn't know there were that many) and a number of different countries, it holds thousands of my favorite songs (don't judge me for having thousands of favorite songs), tells me how to get to wherever I want to go and never fails to help me to look busy in potentially awkward situations.

But even beyond the MP3 storage, and myriad nifty apps, is...

...

..... the suspense is killin' me ......

...

The camera.

Since I'm paranoid that iPhonie may die at any random moment, I've been pretty consistent about backing up the photos from iPhonie to laptoppie and boy oooh boy, have I had quite a nice little stroll down memory lane!

I will go ahead and refrain from sharing all the lovely details about the thousands of pics on iPhonie (including how many handsome fellas, how many pairs of shoes and how many neices and nephews are found therein) but the pics of iPhonie and my seeming alter-egos are cracking me up..

There's grumpy, casual Melissa...

Curly-haired, wide-eyed Melissa...

Watermelon-themed, semi-serious Melissa..

Poofy-haired, early morning Melissa...

Studious, cool-retro-nerdy Melissa...

And, perhaps my personal fav, flower child Melissa..

This is not even a real fraction of the photos of iPhonie and I but I think it's a fair representation of our diversity. :p

P.S. AT&T needs to release the white iPhone 4 reeeeally soon lest I switch. :)

Israel.

2010-12-31T21:02:00.000-08:00

Perhaps it was the greatest war ever fought. Sweating great drops of blood and pleading for some alternative to no avail, he made his decision. He would sacrifice everything. He would voluntarily lay down his very self, for me and for you.

Entering the garden of Gethsemane was surreal and walking beneath its olive trees was almost too great an honor for me to stand. Could it have been here that my saviour prayed, battled his own fleshly will and ultimately made the ultimate sacrifice of his self? Is this where he was when the betrayal for thirty pieces of silver was consummated? Did Judas enter through this very gate to hypocritically kiss my Master's cheek and inadvertently commence the greatest part of the greatest love story ever lived?

The decision had been made. The sinless, spotless Jesus would die a brutal and merciless death for the likes of me. Where sin and the enemy of my soul would have enjoyed my eternal pain and death, Jesus made an alternative path of forgiveness, love and the mercy he himself was denied.

Some people think it's a great fiction. A selfless man saving the lives of others and dying in their place, sounds a bit like a Hollywood moneymaker. Yet, one cannot argue with experience. I have learned all about this love of Jesus for myself and can attest to its genuineness. Not only is it real, but living and walking with it every day is without question the most "genuine" of experiences one can ever live.

I had the privilege of visiting Israel last month and finally have a few minutes to post some pics.. I'll call this part I. :)

I look like death here but I had just finished bawling my eyes out. Praying beneath those olive trees was the most powerful experience of my entire life.

Morning on the Sea of Galilee..

Breakfast over the Sea of Galilee...

An olive fresh off a tree in Nazareth. It wasn't very good. lol

Looking at Jezreel Valley (where the battle of Armageddon will be fought) from ruins at Meggido...

Deep in an underground spring at Meggido..

Outdoor arena in Cesarea by the Sea. The acoustics were apparently pretty awesome..

Imagine what this column topper looked like when it was new! I want one!

The Mediterranean Sea!! Loved it there!

... we had waaaay too much fun there lol..

Looking for smooth stones the same place David did before he slew Goliath..

I felt super tall in this doorway at the church built over the Inn where Jesus was born.

Seriously?

Olive trees and graves outside the city walls..

One of the coolest experiences ever!

Simply amazing.

Step away from now..

2010-11-27T20:04:00.000-08:00

Once in a while I like to zoom out. No, not zone out.. although I do that too sometimes (usually during Civil Procedure). I generally zoom out when I get a funny feeling like perhaps something is not quite what it should be; when I come to a sudden and frightening realization that I'm stressed or when I am tempted to skip church to get ahead in the reading for a particular class, or even when I think that maybe, just maybe a decision before me may have more of an impact on my future than it may seem.

Zooming out beyond this moment, beyond this day, beyond here and even beyond there, I'm able to see 'things' for what they really are rather than what they seem to be. Consumed by the emotions and trends of the moment, we tend to be swept away by today rather than considering tomorrow, next year, and three decades from now. Riding the highs and lows of 'now' is an easy distraction from an impending eternity and a future of consequence and of reaping what we've sown.

When I zoom out, I see that circumstances are only temporary and what (or rather, who) really matters. I see that shiny paint dulls, skin sags, money spends, muscles morph into chub, even the most gorgeous flowers die, favorite songs are forgotten, styles change, storms pass, valleys lead to incredible summits, lessons are learned, second chances are given, regrets are realized, dreams are either chased or allowed to fade into distant memories, things grown from shallow roots are blown away and I realize that somewhere along my path I've managed to pick up droplets of wisdom.

From out there I can see the deep and genuine goodness in people and the shallow immaturity in others (and myself). I am able to see that relationships are the most precious gifts to cherish for life, even they're so often thrown away for the sake of pride, and I'm able to see that truly, where there is life, there is hope..

Why I'm back in school, Post #1.

2010-09-18T15:31:00.001-07:00

As much as I love junk food, I don't want to sell it.

I like shoes like these....

I know I need a tan, but twirling a sign in front of H&R Block during tax season is not the way I want to go about getting one.

Airfare is stinking expensive and I haven't grown my angel wings yet.

These years are flyin' by anyway (I doubt they are subjected to the grossly inflated airfare pricing), so I may as well earn my doctorate while they pass!

I want to see the world.

I want to give and I want my gifts to make an impact.

Me want Corvette. :D

Get off your booty and register for a few classes, whadda ya say?

Foundations.

2010-09-11T14:24:00.000-07:00

It’s official. I’m well into my first semester of law school and I’m actually enjoying it. When I make the claim that “I’m actually enjoying it,” I mean that, thus far, I’ve found my studies thoroughly interesting. In Melissa’s brain, interesting = fun. Woohoo!

One thing that I’ve found interesting in my class materials is the use of case law from the eighteenth century. The raw morality, common sense and upstanding character reflected in these cases offers a sharp contrast against the backdrop of society today; a society upon which these laws are supposedly still binding.

So I’ve begun to wonder what makes a society tend away from the morals, values and laws that originally established it. Take Pentecostalism, for example. Pentecostal leaders who stood for so much just a few short years ago (I’m not positive exactly how long ago it was, but I’m not that old so it couldn’t have been terribly long ago), have seemingly lost their footing on our foundational beliefs, leading entire congregations along a shaky path with them.

Is there always a deterioration of foundational principles with the passing of time? When our nation’s founding fathers established American matrimonial laws, should they have perceived the impending demise of the righteous institution of marriage just a few centuries later? Should parents expect to see their babies grow away from the moral and responsible lessons of their childhood with the passing of time and society’s ever diminishing recognition of “good?”

The answer usually begins and ends at hope, I suppose. We make decisions and vote for changes with hopeful expectations. Founders hope that future generations will maintain the good sense, good morals and good will with which an establishment is made. Parents hope that their children will be good, upright citizens.

Note that I said the answer usually is hope. Through Jesus Christ, we have more than hope. We have faith; the ability to see things that are not as though they are. So as society, and even Christianity, is weakened and made filthy by a disease of iniquity and sin, we have a blessed foundation to stand upon.

As I go to school every day, sit in classes surrounded by people who have misplaced hope at the very best, and listen to lecturers who teach easily convinced students that a progressive, “accepting” world is a good one, reading these archaic laws written by hopeful and courageous men who stood for “good” and refused to lose their faith is refreshing.

And inspiring. Our nation’s Founding Fathers were prosecuted for standing firmly upon their morals and their faith. They had faith in God and His ability to help them to establish a great country, and they suffered for it.

So to you, my dear reader, I say to stand. No matter where life takes you, stand. No matter which direction society takes, the (or your) church takes, or even your family takes, stand. Know what the Bible says and pray that God establishes those revelations in your heart. Things will fall and the world will continue to accept more and more ungodliness as the norm, but I pray that you find the courage to stand on the foundations that you know are right.

Commitment...

2010-06-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

The word that sends chills down my spine and causes rapid heart beats and cold sweats. Every. Time. Nothing is wrong with a little commitment-phobia you say? While I stand, staring blankly at my closet and supposedly choosing an outfit, but unable to commit to a decision (for half an hour), I beg to differ. What if I choose outfit number one, and regret it four hours later because those new shoes aren’t broken-in yet and what used to be my toes are now some sort of mashed and painful stubs on the ends of my feet? What if I don’t choose outfit number one, and regret it next time I want to wear those shoes and they’re not broken-in yet? What if outfit number one is absolutely hideous and/or unflattering under fluorescent lighting, which I’m bound to encounter at some point during the next ten hours?

So during my recent self-analysis (it’s almost frightening, don’t ask), I followed the commitment tangent and put some real thought into it. As it turns out, commitment isn’t nearly as horrific and disabling as it initially comes across. It’s actually sort of like a Great Dane.. Ridiculously huge and scary-looking but warm and fuzzy if you get passed all the make-you-faint-and/or-wet-your-skirt massiveness of it (allegedly).

My first shocking discovery: commitment eliminates fear. Take a marriage, for example. Once two people are completely and permanently committed to one another and to building a life together, fears of rejection, loneliness, failure and extended bachelorette-hood can be rationally eliminated. When both parties are committed, failure and rejection are no longer viable options. Potential loneliness is shattered by commitments to lifelong companionship and even the most hesitant singledom-card holders change their ways for a best friend through thick and thin.

Second revelatory find: love is only possible with commitment. It sure is easy to say that I love someone, but am I willing to commit to him or her? Of all the people in the world who say that they “love” God, how many actually commit to living for Him? I daresay that faith in “loving” an invisible God without the work of living for Him, is dead.

When I refer to “love” in the above paragraph, I mean agape love not only in a romantic setting, but love for people, friends, family, and acquaintances in general. When you truly love people, you are committed to respecting them, being kind to them, encouraging them, doing your best to be a friend to them and praying for them. When my parents decided to start a family and to raise their children in a loving home, they committed their entire lives to the accomplishment of this goal. They love each of their children endlessly and are completely committed to our happiness, well-being and success.

Third revelation: God wants commitment. How can you truly be led of the Holy Ghost and live your life the way God wants you to when you’re too afraid to dive right in to a life of commitment? How can you discern the Will of God when you’re only half-committed to it, even before you know exactly what it is? How can you witness to someone who needs God when you’re not completely committed to following Him yourself?

*Sigh*…. As you can see, this commitment stuff really is sort of amazing. Incredible and even miraculous things can take place when we completely commit to something. So, to all of us over-analytical chickens, GET OVER IT. Indecisiveness and fear in the face of commitment is failure in itself. Even making the wrong decision and learning from it is probably a better idea than never committing to a decision in the first place.

Now if I could just pick the perfect outfit for work…

Clarity.

2010-05-27T17:26:00.000-07:00

Have you ever discovered unfinished thoughts?

Humbling flashes of remarkable insight within your very own mind that failed to mature to their obvious potential.

These unfortunate findings shed a bit of light once again on the blatancy of distractions, otherwise known as life, ambition, people, wants, apprehension, second guesses, pressing questions, hesitation, time, place, situation, discomfort, bliss, bigger, better, things, gifts, promises, fear, dreams, too many alternatives, insufficient alternatives, indecision, memories, beauty, regret, compassion, grandeur, oppression, shiny objects, etc.

In a lonely and forgotten crevice of your mind these brilliant ideas remain, somehow casting a hint of luminosity from their hiding place, but failing to captivate enough of your attention to thrive.

Until the moment you are again reminded of the existence of these thoughts and also desperate enough for their revelatory depths to pursue them. Pursuance of the deep, in spite of life and its shiny objects, to capture pure and enduring revelation.

All this have I proved by wisdom: I said, I will be wise; but it was far from me. That which is far off, and exceeding deep, who can find it out? I applied mine heart to know, and to search, and to seek out wisdom, and the reason of things, and to know the wickedness of folly, even of foolishness and madness.. Ecclesiastes 7:23-25

Hope.

2010-05-07T11:49:00.000-07:00

As geographically beautiful as the country of Belize is, this beauty is dwarfed by the spectacular loveliness of the people I was blessed to spend my time in Belize with. Although aesthetic beauty was abundant there, the extraordinary spirits of these people left an impression on me that will not soon fade.

"As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God."

I don’t typically exaggerate the impact of things in my life, as life has taught me that hype and excitement wear off when the grey monotony of worldly concerns and “life” pour down once again, hiding whichever magnificent colors once shone. So hype usually fails to influence me and I’ve learned to search for deeper sources of excitement in life, allowing time to tell what is true. Keeping this in mind, hear me when I say that nine quickly-fleeting days spent with a group most of which I’d never met, changed my life. Hope Camp changed my life.

"Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me."

In this world where living for Jesus is not the popular thing to do and where eternal value often goes unseen and forgotten, I had the opportunity to spend eight days with a group of people possessing exceptional vision and profound understanding of what truly matters. Each with a heart after Jesus' heart, we sought Him together and experienced a tiny slice of what heaven must be like.

Arriving home from Belize late Sunday evening, I found myself exhausted and somewhat emotionally numb. I wondered why I wasn't feeling incredible pain from having a huge part of my heart displaced after such a week, but was not left wondering for long. Come Wednesday morning I awoke with tears in my eyes as the realization set in that one of the most incredible times of my life had passed much too quickly for my taste. Being the only Hope Camp participant from southern California, an incredible wave of loneliness washed over me as I yearned to spend time with any one of my new found family members.

"Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God."

It was then that I truly realized what Hope is all about.

My First Endorsement Ever.

2010-05-04T18:24:00.000-07:00

So I have this friend named Chandra. Not only is she adorable and stylish, but she's also brilliant! Annnd possesses a fabulous sense of humor to boot. Anyway, this friend named Chandra created this blog all about modest (and cute enough for me to endorse on my blog) clothing!

I'd say the blog goes beyond the simple discussion of clothing, at times dipping into the realm of "lifestyle", and guess what? The blog recently featured this article about Yours Truly!!

Anyway, if you ever need some outfit-inspiration or just feel like scoring some cute goods on the cheap, check out MoMoMod and drop my dear Chandra a line!

June 21st.

2010-04-14T13:24:00.000-07:00

The first official day of work towards earning my juris doctorate degree is June 21st. Sort of funny since I actually began working toward this degree well over a year ago with LSAT books and prep classes. Nonetheless, June 21st is my first day of school, again, and I'm ridiculously excited about it.

Sure, I'll probably put more time into my first-day outfit than I should, eat a bigger and better breakfast than I have any morning in the past year in honor of my first day and wake up incredibly bubbly and friendly on June 21st, but there's more to June 21st than any of this. I love (I mean LOVE) to learn. The day that I fell so deeply in love with learning arrived and passed many years ago, yet my love has remained ever-so constant.

I suppose it was more of a conscious revelation than a helpless fall into the deep chasm of love, but I'll use 'love' for the sake of my dramatic flare.

I was "working" on an English assignment, staring out the window, thinking about everything besides the assignment sitting in front of me when the craziest thought crossed my mind

I'm never going to get this moment back. I'm stuck in this stupid classroom with my life passing me by and I'll never be this young ever, ever again.

It may not seem like a crazy thought to you, but it completely changed my life.

As a 15 year old, thoroughly bored with curriculum that failed to challenge my hyper mind, I immediately had the urge to rise from my desk, walk out of the classroom and keep on walking straight off campus to go do something worth my time. I figured I only had a good sixty to seventy years left on this earth at the very most to accomplish all of my dreams, so why waste any more time pretending to pay attention? As I quietly began to gather my things in preparation for my hasty departure, I realized that my dreams included college... which meant I had to finish high school... which meant I needed to pass this dreadfully boring English class.

From that moment, my perception changed drastically. Instead of allowing my mind to wander throughout the day, I began to immerse myself fully in whatever I was doing. If I was stuck in a boring class, I did my best to pay attention and submitted flawless work that I was proud of as opposed to the sloppy work I had completed in the past (two minutes before it was due). Outside of class, I committed myself to wasting as little time as possible doing meaningless things and refused to "just hang out" when I could be learning something or experiencing something new.

People, including myself, noticed a difference in me almost immediately. Rather than riding through life on whichever wave I was 'forced' onto, I had taken control of my direction and decided to enrich my mind. Although I had no idea at the time, I was forcing my entire world to grow. No longer did I only see my immediate surroundings and current circumstances, but I began to mentally visualize things on a much grander scale. I no longer seen school as something to 'endure,' but I viewed it as an easy and potentially rewarding stepping stone to bigger things in my future.

Eventually, I realized that doing things half-way was not acceptable. I wanted excellence. I wanted excellence not just academically, but in every part of my life. Finally, I realized that more than anything else, I wanted to live for God with each and every piece of myself. I could fathom no higher calling than to follow Jesus Christ completely, withholding nothing. Although I was raised in church, I had never pursued so deep a relationship with God as I did after that moment and to this day it is the best thing I've ever done.

Pursuing excellence was not always easy. At times I felt lazy, burnt out, frustrated and lonely, but I learned quickly that everything of value requires work. I wanted to be involved in the work of God, be an outstanding student, maintain my relationships, see the world, meet new and interesting people, study everything that sparked my interest, dress to impress, make my parents proud and impact someone's life.

In short, my dreams were and still are both diverse and immense, and for that I am grateful. If it weren't for the dreams of my younger years, I would never have discovered what an immense opportunity lies in the human mind. We have the ability to learn. Learning cultivates not just your ability to participate in interesting and engaging conversation, your self confidence, your motivation and your ability to understand new concepts, but the expansion of your entire world.

The good news? It all must begin somewhere. No matter how old you are, how overwhelmed you feel, how bored or unfocused you've become or how small your world is, you're alive! You can turn things around this very minute. Begin the journey or your lifetime today, right now.. As for me, I'm still working on my outfit for June 21st...

By the way, here are a few pics from the last few months' travels.

Grow up.

2010-03-22T11:55:00.001-07:00

Sometimes the opinions of others are helpful. Sometimes they’re annoying. Then, other times, they are downright detrimental. Sometimes the negative opinions of others can turn you away from something good and a convincing word oftentimes has the power to blur otherwise clear vision and good sense.

If I heeded to every piece of advice I ever received, I would be a wreck along with the entirety of my life...

Don’t bother chasing those crazy dreams, it’s a waste of your time.
Ha.

Don’t worry, you can always repent later.
Really? What if I’m dead later?

Don’t be a lawyer, they’re all scum.
Don’t worry, I’ll prove you wrong very soon.

Don’t waste your hard-earned money on traveling, it’s a waste.
I wouldn’t trade my travel experiences for anything!

Don’t do cardio for more than thirty minutes at a time, otherwise your body will enter panic mode.
Lies. You seriously want to tell me that when I feel like a million dollars after my fifth mile (and 50th minute) on the treadmill?

Don’t fly Southwest, they’re whack.
If Southwest offered international flights, I’d never use any other airline! Paying for checked luggage isn’t the business. Oh, and you're whack (whatever whack is).

Don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your momma’s back.
Momma would have been gone a loooong time ago, sweetie.

Don’t talk to him because he doesn’t know if he’s comin’ or goin’.
He’s a kid seeking the will of God, for goodness’ sake.

Don’t break his heart or you’ll be sorry.
I’m not sorry and it was the best thing I could have done for us both.

Don’t use hairspray every day or your hair will begin to resemble hay.
My hair doesn’t look a thing like hay and I hairspray liberally whenever I leave the house.

Don’t talk to her, she’s not a good girl.
She’s lost and needs a friend.

Stay away from them, they’re rebellious.
They’re wounded, confused and desperate for some direction, am I going to be a light in their world or am I going to leave them in the darkness instead?

Don’t eat that, if you do you’ll regret it in the morning.
It was worth every calorie.

Don’t complain.
Sometimes that’s the only way to spark a realization of the need for progress.

Don’t ask, you really don’t want to know.
You’re right, I need to know.

Don’t bother dressing nice, there’s no one to impress there.
Hello future-man-of-my-dreams-who-I-didn’t-expect-to-meet-today!

He’s / she’s / it’s too quiet / smart / expensive / similar / loud / dumb / old / simple / different / young / relaxed / wild / far / cold / challenging.
So am I.

Seek God’s opinion before yours or theirs. Hear advice, remember it and pray about it. But remember, ultimately, this is your life. You will live eternally with the consequences and memories of your actions. Sometimes you just have to grow up, get a grip, muster up some courage, tell all the voices around you to shutup and do what you know is right!

Insanity.

2010-02-17T14:53:00.000-08:00

So I’m sitting at my desk at work at around 2:30 on Wednesday afternoon. Wednesday afternoons generally last seven and a half years, so it’s no surprise that I’ve found myself sitting here wishing summer would come sooner so I could quit my job and start school.

Then, it suddenly hits me. Woe- we’re more than halfway through February. Even if I choose not to enroll in my school’s summer head-start, kick-other-students’-behinds, class for pre-1Ls, regular fall classes begin in mid-August. That leaves well under five months between school and I, at the very most.

As much as I sometimes dislike work, or, more often, certain individuals located there, this job is probably forty-three times less stressful than earning my doctorate will be. Why in heaven’s name am I sitting here wanting these last few, precious months to fly by so I can be ruled by a syllabus, live in Ugg boots and hoodies, never have time to crimp my hair (see pic of today’s hairdo :)) and put most of my beloved traveling on hold?

I must be crazy. But that's okay, because aren't we all a little crazy?

VALUE: ASSIGN WITH CARE.

2010-02-10T10:55:00.000-08:00

Would you rather have a million dollars or be used by God to bring about a thousand-soul revival?

Do you cherish the friends and family God has given you or do you often find yourself taking them for granted?

Do you assign more value to your secular employment than to your involvement in the work of God?

Are you even involved in the work of God?

Do you place greater value in cars, homes and stylish attire than you do in eternity?

What about your soul, do you care about it?

Do you know what you believe enough to stand for it?

Do you believe enough to die for it?

Do you value and respect people because they’re people, made in the image of God, or do you respect only those who reciprocate or have something to offer you?

Do you ever think about the people currently facing poverty, slavery, starvation, tragedy, confusion, depression, addiction, loneliness, sickness, abuse, death or hopelessness?

Do you ever pray for them?

How much do you value your own life?

Do you value it enough to dedicate it to a worthy cause?

Do you value your relationship with God enough to keep it your first priority?

Would you sacrifice sleep, meals, money and other relationships to preserve your relationship with God?

Do you place greater value in an education or in knowledge?

Would you rather know or understand?

Would you rather watch movies or see the world?

Would you rather see physically or spiritually?

Do you value a good time more than a good life?

How much do you value your clean new carpet?

Would you chastise someone you love for accidently spilling on it?

Would you rather have an immaculate house or a lively home?

Do you struggle with leaving sin and being holy or do you count it a valuable privilege to be called and separate?

Do you value forgiveness or are you proud of your ability to hold a grudge?

Are you going to read these thoughts and soon forget or are these reminders valuable enough to be remembered?

Magnum Opus. (Not Mine)

2010-01-21T14:46:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe I never posted any Boracay pics. I mean, I can sort of believe it, but I don’t really want to…

Boracay is an amazing island that we got to visit after our week of revival on the island of Bohol (pics were posted here). After all that supposed “work” we got to relax and have some fun! God's handywork is amazing..

Macro.

2010-01-07T19:05:00.000-08:00

Technology is a beautiful thing (read this as a thoroughly conditional statement). Throughout the years, advancements in technological research have opened the doors to knowledge that our forefathers had not dared to even imagine. From studying the things visible to the naked eye, we excelled to the use of glass materials for magnification, which allowed us to study things that were previously beyond our vision. From simple magnifying tools, mankind developed high-power microscopes, capable of exposing secrets of the cell and atom that were galaxies away from our understanding just a few thousand years ago.

It is obvious that the development of micro-technology has provided mankind with many positive capabilities that were previously beyond our imaginations. Increased efficiency and productivity in the business world, breakthroughs in the medical world, saved lives, extended lives, improved lives and strengthened nations are some examples of the good things attributable to innovation in molecular technology. Add to this list my iPhone, and you have a wonderful world.

Yet, as we mature scientifically and exponentially multiply our knowledge of the universe and the materials therein, we blind ourselves to the big things. We have a God (THE God) who is everywhere. Omnipresence is surely one of his most easily-understood-by-the-human-mind characteristics and as a society we often struggle to comprehend how it works. If you've ever studied theology, you're familiar with the phrase "plural of majesties," which refers to the use of plurality to name a singular object of grandeur like "the heavens" or "the waters." As the creator of these, He is much more "majestic" than all the water on the earth and the heaven above it and, in fact, the Bible uses the foregoing concept several times when describing God (yes, you probably already noticed this but I thought I'd say it anyway for dramatic affect.)

Why am I telling you over and over again things that you already know (or, I'm assuming you already know, since you're reading a blog with "Pentecostal" in the title)? Because I am trying to verify that you know with absolute certainty that God is huge. Not only is he vast, but the Bible (the only source of all things "absolute") says that he is also omnipotent. He literally has all the power, inside our universe and outside our universe, to do whatever he wants to do whenever he so desires.

So now, after you've survived my beating of the already dead animal (that's a cruel and disgusting figure of speech but today isn't my most creative of days so it'll have to do), let us briefly review (haha) and proceed. So Jesus Christ is this immense, all-powerful deity watching us from all angles 24/7/365, duh, and progressing micro-technology allows us to focus on increasingly small things, duh again. Big God + small focus = !?!

"Whoah! This intense pain in my left big toe has taken over all of my thoughts! My blood pressure spikes every time the mail comes because I know what I owe! Pray for people on the other side of the planet!? I haven't the time to so much as smile at my very next door neighbor of the past five years in between my job, school, children, spouse, commitments, blend of several of the above, etc.!"

We see the small things so easily today. Small things like our every-day lives, our problems, our mistakes, our bills, our plans, our goals, our needs, our wants, our families, our jobs, our illnesses and our fears tower over us as gigantic mountains. We use meticulous information processors like phones and computers to organize every facet of our lives and we manage our time with an iron fist so that we don't waste a second of daylight (particularly during winter when we only get three and a half minutes of sun a day). We make small things humongous in our minds as we magnify them with our ceaseless thoughts.

God is huge. Try as we might to box him into a small portion of our lives, he is still everywhere outside and inside that box. His Kingdom is not limited by time, space or our minds. He is not limited by anything, even as we limit him to the space between all the other looming issues in our lives. Once you really, truly, deeply understand that, everything else is minuscule. How can you possibly even see your problems when your vision has cleared and revealed to you the God who is everywhere? How can you see past this incredible God and be hopeless? How can earthly riches and achievement take priority over forever spent with God? How can you put this fragile and short life above an eternal God and His work?

You can't.

Expanding the Horizons.

2009-12-24T08:59:00.000-08:00

After standing at the window for a few minutes, staring in disbelief at the falling snow on the other side of the glass, I realized that this would probably be the only time I’d see snow fall in my near future and that I’d better get as much enjoyment out of it as possible. With my new revelation, I pulled the coat from my carry-on, gathered my things and headed quickly for the nearest exit.

I’m from San Diego, California. I was born and raised here, have only seen snow on a modest number of occasions during travel and have never actually seen snow falling from the sky. After some time in Kansas, a dear friend and I drove back to her home state of Colorado where I caught my flight back home, but not before enjoying myself in the fresh snow for a while. It was quite obvious that many of my fellow airport patrons and several airport employees thought I was mentally unstable as I hurried (with a huge grin on my face) outside into the elements and away from the overhangs to taste, feel, smell and experience fresh snow.

I seriously wore a parka to church. Seriously.

From the day our journey began, I made it known to all of my companions that I was hoping for snow at some point during my visit. As we approached the airport on the day that I was to return to California, I had all but forgotten about my hopes for snow and assumed the chance had passed, so when I looked out the airport window and seen snowflakes falling from the sky I was nearly pushed into hysterics by how amazing God is.

This year I chose to live every experience as fully and completely as possible. I stepped very far outside of my comfort zone on a semi-regular basis, did quite a bit of traveling, joined HopeCorps, built many wonderful friendships, overcame some difficult trials, sought God like I never had before and honestly feel like I lived four years in twelve months’ time.

As I reflect on the past year, what stands out most to me is Jesus. I can’t even begin to share with you how amazing He has been to me. Although I’ve “lived for God” for most of my life, this year I made it a point to hold nothing back from Him, prayed more than ever before, studied the Bible more than ever before, and fell ten times deeper in love with Him than I’ve ever been.

What’s really striking about this year is that as I’ve tried my best to serve Him better, He has completely blown me away with His goodness towards me. God has taken my meager efforts and turned them into so much more than they ever rationally could have been. The small step I’ve taken towards Him, He has matched forty times over as he’s blessed me with understanding, conviction, revelation, strength, direction, burden, hope and a new prayer life.

It has been a beautiful year and I am ready and eager to move forward with Jesus in 2010. Holy Ghost revival, an on-fire-for-God youth group, No Limits conference, Belize missions trip, Peak 2010, New York City, Israel (I hope!) and law school. Most of all, I can’t wait to see where God leads me this year and all that He will do in me as I continue to submit myself to Him.

The Church of Today.

2009-12-17T15:46:00.000-08:00

I’m not a huge computer person, believe it or not. So when I sat down to create a promo for my wonderful youth group, I started from nothing. After some time, frustration, starting from nothing again after losing all my work, more time, some creativity and a Bible verse, here is Hilltop Tabernacle’s 2010 Youth Promo!!! Enjoy and let me know what you think!!

Full of Fluff.

2009-12-14T17:24:00.000-08:00

When does one cross the line? At which point does the confident, handsome and successful young lawyer become an arrogant and immature annoyance whose very name causes equally successful young women to roll their eyes at its mentioning? When does the quiet sureness of the talented, strong woman become a stumbling block to her as it crosses into the territory of arrogance?

"Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18

For a Christian, it's simple: when you think it's about you, you've crossed the line. It's not about you. None of it is about you. It's ALL about HIM. The gifts and talents we have grown to take credit for have been given from our creator. Great intelligence, musical ability, professional success, a skilled way with words, and even financial abundance or beauty have most-assuredly not come from the work of our own great hands, but from the hands of God.

"Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up." James 4:10

God has chosen to use individual believers as visible representations of Himself to the rest of the world. As representatives of the Lord and "temples" of the Holy Spirit, we must seek to reflect HIS glory rather than creating our own.

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

As a single young woman, I am often frustrated by the arrogance of otherwise amazing guys. It seems a bit like all the good fish in the ocean who have their “stuff” together, seem to think they're sharks. They're not. They're fish. Whoever told them otherwise, lied. And really, why would you want to be a shark anyway if God made you a fish? Sharks are ugly, mean, and don’t have a whole lot of cute little female fish friends.

Once again, I’m not perfect and I’m sure I haven’t always been the most humble fish in the sea, but as life goes on I learn more and more about the value of remembering that all that’s good and perfect comes from God. I’ve learned that no matter how smart I think I am, I have much to learn. No matter how cute I think I look, I could get a huge zit right smack in the middle of my nose in the next five minutes that no hairdo or cute outfit could help. No matter how much of the Bible I memorize and theology I study, without the Spirit of God it is all in vain.

Whether it’s a ministry, financial success, good looks, some extraordinary skill or ability, or an impressive blend of the above, it most assuredly has come down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning...

Make It Official.

2009-12-09T09:59:00.000-08:00

Huge amounts of water pouring from the sky. I wouldn’t have believed it if I weren’t sitting at my desk, mouth ajar, staring out the window as the palm trees on the gym/roof of the building next door took on very un-palm-tree-like forms under the merciless force of the rain-seeped wind. Although it’s around noon and the gym outside my window is usually quite busy at this time, there is not a human being in sight.

Similarly, the ordinarily busy sidewalks of downtown San Diego have been nearly completely abandoned today as our fine residents find other ways of getting around. Mainly, San Diegans have decided to make use of their cars which, on normal work days, sit serenely in our designated parking slots as we enjoy sunshine and exercise during our transportation (walking). Sounds smart, right?

In theory, staying dry and warm in the comfort of heated leather seats is a wonderful idea, but in San Diego, during a rainy day, this is the worst possible way to spend your time. Add darkness to the mix and the results are not just incredibly annoying, but downright fatal in some cases.

Because rainy days generally steer clear of America’s finest city, most San Diegans never receive proper training for rainy-day driving. Because of the overwhelming lack of skill in this area, drives that ordinarily take ten minutes, or even twenty with our normal bad traffic, become 3 hour commutes as accident after accident postpone any movement whatsoever. Five minute fast-food runs become hour long brushes with death. Every four-way stop is a game of Russian roulette. Every red light, stop sign, and pedestrian causes the blood pressure and heart rate of drivers to rise as the impending threat of hydroplaning looms near and a fragile life rests in the abilities of brakes and treads of tires.

Then there are the nuts. These individuals have clearly never heard the horrific tales of what happens when heed is not taken in the rain and they think that they are for some reason immune to tragedy. They fly past the normal people driving like ants on the freeway and switch lanes before providing adequate warning to their fellow drivers, causing them the break out in cold sweats and view their entire lives passing before their eyes in an instant.

There were ten times the average number of daily accidents in San Diego today, totaling a whopping 500 traffic collisions on our freeways in a 24-hour period. It rained all day long as the wind blew like we haven’t seen in years. Palm tree limbs covered lawns, streets and roofs across the city and my pool nearly overflowed. San Diegans can’t drive in the rain, particularly when it's accompanied by wind, darkness, flying palm tree limbs or other cars. It has literally been statistically proven that it is dangerous to be out on the road on a rainy day in San Diego. These are the facts.

Thankfully, this problem has an easy fix: rain days. I say why not spare hundreds of lives and bumpers by declaring official “rain days” during which no San Diegans are forced into the line of fire by leaving their homes. For heaven’s sake, these are lives, people…

P.S. I seen the car that caused one of the billion-car pile ups this morning and guess what? It had Oklahoma plates. Booyah.

Such Sinful Nature.

2009-12-02T14:24:00.000-08:00

I see this wall that is meant to provide safety and guidance and I feel an overwhelming and urgent need to scale its heights. Feeling a sort of déjà-vu, it is with mindless routine that I immediately begin a thorough search for a tool with which to dig my way under its great presence and escape its concrete reach. As panic sets in with no effective tools in sight, my restless mind begins to engineer means by which to break directly through the wall or dismantle it piece by piece. As my pulse quickens, my worried eyes frantically scan the length of the wall to the left and then to the right, hoping hopelessly to discover a way around its powerful existence to get to the other side.

It’s then that I realize that I’m surrounded by them. Endless, looming walls are all around me and the realization that I’m trapped hits like a ton of bricks as I lose my breath and fall to my knees in their midst. While I obliviously lost my focus for just a moment, the walls managed to return and so effectively box me in.

I’ve got to break free of these oppressive boundaries, but nothing within my control is of any use. Yet my stubbornness will not allow me to give up. I find my balance and attempt to find footing in the grooves of the closest wall as I pull my weight upward. After just a few feet, I realize that the wall’s height is just too great and my meager, unskilled climbing is useless. Instead I return to my knees at the base of the wall and begin to force my fragile fingers through the rough dirt at the base of the bricks, determined to dig my way out regardless of the shape of my manicured hands on the other side of victory.

As I fling the loosened dirt behind me and feel a surge of hope as my digging indeed proves more effective than my climbing, I notice that the bricks don’t sit above the ground like I had assumed they did, but in fact they are piled from deep under the hardened surface of the earth. No matter how ferociously I dig, the wall remains incomprehensibly deeper than my hole.

My damaged fingertips burn as the rough dirt scrapes away their tender skin and forces its way under my delicate fingernails. With vision clouded by frustrated tears and stinging sweat, I can see that I won’t be digging my way out, either. I allow the hope to drain from my tensed body as I sit back onto the pile of dirt and try to remember how I escaped last time.

Ahh, but of course!

I hadn’t escaped at all, for these walls are my humanity. As I long to be closer to my unknowable God and know more of his absolute majesty, I remain trapped within the confines of the flesh. As I try to ignore the self-inflicted throbbing in my fingertips, the pain allows me to see clearly how I ended up in my predicament.

“For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.” Romans 7:15

It was doubt. It began as a tiny speck of disappointment mingled with a miniscule drop of fear and it quickly grew into a wedge-shaped brick of doubt in my heart. I hadn’t thought it significant enough to do anything about it last night, but when I awoke this morning it had grown into a vast brick fortress around me. A miserable fortress of my own unrighteous human nature; the walls of which I am unable to so much as dent without His undying mercies and ever-sufficient grace.

“Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.

Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God.

For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace.

What then? shall we sin, because we are not under the law, but under grace? God forbid. Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness?

But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you. Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness.”

Romans 6:12-18

It becomes so obvious, sitting in the self-made prisons of sin, that living a righteous life and following Jesus Christ is not for the lazy. It takes a commitment to dying daily to sin and weeding out even the smallest, most insignificant roots of ungodliness to truly serve God. Yet, even with hearts turned completely to God and His righteousness, we would be without hope if it weren’t for His grace and mercy. His incredible grace that carries us over seemingly-infinite walls and valleys of death; His mercy that takes the filthy rags of our righteousness and makes them into robes white as snow; Only He can save you from the walls that are your very nature.

Like a Bacterial Infection.

2009-11-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

I SHALL wear this Pentecostal version of the LBD (little black dress) for New Years. In a size 3. AND, further, I SHALL be able to breathe whilst I wear it. In order to make this happen, I’ve returned to my second love (AKA: treadmill accompanied by very loud, very upbeat black gospel music) and my semi-health-nutty ways to include pre-preparation of six small, colorful and healthy meals a day.

After drifting to extreme health consciousness an undisclosed number of months (Years? Could it possibly have been years?!) ago, I eventually snapped, rebelled and embraced empty calories as a new best friend. As I allowed the soda to flow freely and the processed junk foods of all shapes and sizes to take up residence in my daily diet, I awoke one morning with hips (enter: horror music).

Okay, in all fairness, it was probably more of a gradual blossoming of these curves, but none the less, they basically shocked me the day I finally realized they were there. Don’t get me wrong, I like having hips and I’d rather have some hips than have no hips, but there are times when they seem to just get in the way. For example, when I want to wear this particular black dress in a size three without looking like a severely burnt over-stuffed sausage.

In order to cover my weekly salad needs, I typically purchase a huge box of mixed dark greens at some point during the weekend and dress them up with flavorful and tasty toppings all week long. This works perfectly in my mind, yet I could hardly ever get a full work week’s worth of meals out of these salad boxes in reality. Why? Because one tiny leaf always decides to die somewhere in the middle of the salad box and spread the gruesome and slimy decay among it’s neighboring leaves, eventually ruining half a box of previously healthy and delicious green things.

Being the seasoned high-volume salad eater that I am, I’ve learned ways to save a box of otherwise hopeless salad. While searching through my salad box’s contents on a daily basis would allow me to nip any problem leaves in the bud, this would be a complete pain in the toe after maybe three days of it and frankly, I’d rather not. Instead, I’ve found that by placing paper towels sparingly throughout a salad box the day I buy it, and replacing them occasionally throughout the week, I remove excess moisture from the salad mix and prevent any leaves from crossing over to the dark side.

Of course, I didn’t buckle down and write nearly an entire blog post just to tell you how to save your Costco-sized salad box every week, but I said everything above to get to this: gossip stinks. Much like the single spinach leaf that has the unfair capacity to ruin an entire box of pricey salad, a single piece of bitter gossip can ruin much more than just one person’s integrity.

I’m reminded of a time in my own life when I got to experience this first hand (oh, joy). At some point, I said or did something that offended someone who was once a very good friend of mine and she basically ran with it. Once all was said and done, this frenemy had turned a wide variety of previously mutual friends against me and done her best to tarnish my name even in unfamiliar circles. Although I knew she was turning away from God before anyone else did, I couldn’t help but be a little shocked by her blatantly vile behavior towards me and I was hurt by those who believed the things she’d said about me.

In spite of the temporary pain and loneliness I felt during that time, I managed to survive those trivial teen years and found myself much stronger and smarter at the other end of the trial. As those who chose to partake in gossip grew farther from God, I learned to stay away from it and instead became closer to God. As always, I’m not perfect and I’ve never been anywhere near perfect, but I strive to please God and make the conscious decision every day to learn from my mistakes. So I ask you today, dear reader, to please: save the lettuce and kill the gossip. Oh, and you SHALL fit the LBD!

If it looks like a Christian..

2009-11-17T09:43:00.000-08:00

I love, love , love Jesus Christ more than anything in the universe. I like cool cars. I like cute clothing, shoes and accessories. I’m Pentecostal. I’m an iPhone user, a future lawyer, a bookworm, a foodie, a twenty-one year old with a lot to learn, a brunette, the youngest of four, a semi-daredevil, a student (even when not enrolled in school), a writer, a semi-health-nut, an adoring auntie of (almost) ten, a music fanatic, a singer (ask my shower curtain, she’ll tell you all about it), a beginning world traveler, and a long-distance runner among a WIDE variety of other things.

All of the tiny threads that make up who I am have developed throughout my twenty-one years of life, some deteriorating away after I’ve lost interest and others growing and weaving their ways deeper into the tapestry of my self. After numerous seasons of questioning, frustration and confusion throughout my teenage years, I finally managed to find strength and confidence in the identity that God has helped me to establish.

Although I was born into truth and raised in a good church, there were times during which I struggled within myself to “be myself.” At times I thought I knew who I was but then found myself to be someone completely different a short time after. There were times when my interests changed as often as my hairdos and I couldn’t decide who I wanted to be. I struggled within myself to be different from the other church girls and refused to be the “stereotype” Pentecostal girl.

I viewed the “stereotype” Pentecostal girl as a nice, quiet girl who wore the same boring outfits day in and day out with her hair in a bun on the back of her head. For some reason, this image carried much dread in my mind and I cringed at the thought of being just another one of these. I wrestled with my desire to serve God with all of myself and my desire to reflect a different image.

How can I still be myself while also being a Christian? How can I pursue my dreams and also follow Christ? How can I express my own personal style while reflecting godly holiness both inside and out? How do I maintain my identity while surrendering my entire self to God?

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.”
Romans 12:1

It didn’t happen overnight for me, but after years of my journey with Jesus Christ, I finally realized what a tremendous blessing there is in “looking like a Christian.” I also realized that obeying the Word of God by dressing modestly and leaving my hair long does not take away from who I am, but it actually enhances my personality.

When people see me and know, before ever speaking to me, that I’m a Christian, they automatically approach me differently and expect me to live by a higher standard. Even those who don't immediately recognize that I look the way I do because of my relationship with God still notice that I look different and many feel compelled to ask. By looking different from those who aren’t living for God and filled with His Spirit, we are making a statement that we are His people and that rather than being led by the culture around us, we're led by God and His Word.

Once you realize that God didn't call you out of the world to live like the world and look like the world, you realize that looking like a Christian is one of the most precious blessings God has afforded us in this life.

“But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light;”
1 Peter 2:9

As visual creatures, human beings naturally judge everything from other people to food to situations by what they can see. God created us this way and He knew that someday people would lose respect for their bodies and view modesty as old-fashioned and out-dated. However, He also knew that those who choose to pick up their crosses to follow Him, day in and day out, will do so in every aspect of their lives, including their physical appearance. Although God is not limited by physical, visual things like we are, looking like a Christian is also a form of daily, demonstrative worship unto Him and I know He is honored by it.

What a blessing it is to look like a Christian!

Forever and a day.

2009-11-10T14:38:00.000-08:00

As I sit in shock, completely still, with the exception of my eyes which are searching my surroundings desperately in an attempt to figure out what just happened, five guys run over to where I sit and struggle to lift the barricade off of my go-cart and I. The look on their faces stuns my senses as it becomes obvious that they had assumed I was very badly injured or even dead.

It seems I hadn’t made proper use of my go-cart’s brakes. The thought of me crashing into a large, heavy barrier going somewhere between thirty and forty miles per hour in a small go-cart by my own mistake is too much for me. It is hilarious. Considering the generally conscientious person that I am the idea of crashing head-on into a wall with basically nothing between it and myself nearly pushes me into hysterics.

If it wasn’t for the terrified looks on the faces of my rescuers, I would roll right out of the go-cart in a laughing fit! Well, their faces and the enormous object sitting on top of me and cutting off my air supply, of course. As I gradually put the pieces together in my mind, I realize that indeed, my neck could have very easily snapped like a toothpick under the pressure of the barricade and that my right arm was in a terrible amount of pain.

Perhaps do to shock, I’m able to quickly forget the pain in my arm and clearly analyze the situation. I see the concern covering every face in the entire building, all of which are turned towards me.

Ugh.. Why are they all staring at me?! I know my skirt flew up over my knees during the chaos of the crash, if only I could reach down to adjust it… My arms are pinned. I should have worn a longer, fuller skirt.. Maybe a heavier denim one. I probably shouldn’t have worn boots with heels either. FAIL! Wow, I could have died. Thank you, Jesus, for protecting me! They’re all still looking at me and these poor guys must think I’m a vegetable now… Yes, I’m okay… Should I be brave and finish the race? Or should I start crying and allow these capable young men to carry me out of here? Hmmm…

I decide to be brave and finish the race, mostly because I just want everyone to stop staring at me and I want my embarrassment to pass from my face before I take this helmet off. Finally the race ends and I attempt to step out of my go-cart. Unfortunately, my right arm has different ideas as the pain intensifies from wrist to shoulder…

That was Saturday. I had a near-death experience in a go-cart. After an adventure-packed year of everything from parasailing in a third world country to white water rafting down the Arkansas River, a go-cart accident placed me, quite literally, face to face with impending doom.

Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain: Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. James 4:14

Boast not thyself of tomorrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth. Proverbs 27:1

“But there’s so much I still want to do! I haven’t shared the Gospel with enough people yet! There’s so much more I could have done! I could have made a difference. I could have prayed more and reflected the love of Jesus more effectively…"

"I could have been a better role model and I should have invested more time into the younger girls. I could have cherished my family more and been a better example to my lost loved ones. I was just so busy with work and obligations. I didn’t think there was any way around it but now I see so clearly that it all wasn’t necessary."

"The money and the prestige were like fleeting thrills, simple and despicable facades. The vanity and materialism were shallow substitutes for a lacking relationship with God. I allowed these things to keep me from reaching out. What if I was the closest thing to God those people will ever see? Where were His love and virtues? What if the words of my mouth were the closest things to the Word of God that they will ever hear? Where were His wisdom, hope and grace? Yes, I lived for God, but I could have done it better. I could have done more. I could have been more. They deserved more.”

Perhaps it's a blessing to find yourself close to death once in a while. To be reminded that life is short, eternity is long and ever so close, and that we're all terminal, really...

Yet Again.

2009-11-02T10:26:00.000-08:00

After a few hours working together on the "group" project, we decided collectively that we had done enough and gathered our things to head home. I told the others that I didn't mind taking the presentation poster home with me and bringing it back to use as our visual aid during Geography class the following morning. They eagerly obliged (obviously, because who in their right mind would actually want to carry a huge, awkward piece of poster board around for any given period of time?) and I smiled easily as I contemplated my ulterior motives.

I stayed up late that night, reengineering our visual aid to virtual perfection and creating notes for each presenter in our group on color coordinated index cards. When I finally finished everything, it was beautiful. The once sloppy poster board that all too capably reflected the differing levels of skill and intellect of each of my group’s four members had become a colorful and intricate work of art. From the carefully and artfully written title on the poster board to the minor details included on each index card in an effort to create a seamless and idiot-proof presentation, the entire project reflected the immense amount of time and effort I had poured so willingly into it.

Come morning, I was excited to present my flawless work to the class and I was completely prepared for their awe, their endless compliments and their potential jealousy. This was not my first time around this particular block and I had grown accustomed to these responses from my classmates, as well as being granted the highest grade in the class and special respect from my teachers. As expected, my groupmates gawked in stunned silence as I handed out index cards and explained what they were to do when we took our place at the front of the class. The presentation went as smoothly as could have been expected when working with a group of diverse students with different levels of skill and intellect, we received the only round of applause during the entire second period hour, my teacher was nearly speechless at the detail of our visual aid and I beamed with pride at another job well done.

I suppose I must have been born a bit of a perfectionist. I remember bossing around children twice my age in elementary school during playground games to make the most of our recess time (I have yet to understand why they listened to a five year old in the first place) and becoming frustrated with my kindergarten classmates when they would color outside of the lines. I remember talking to the other preschoolers and attempting to teach them how to read while they blinked with wide eyes at my curly cursive writing.

It was no surprise then when I automatically took control during group work and labored far more than I had to in order to present decent work on behalf of the “team.” I enjoyed the looks of awe from classmates and smiles of gratitude from my teammates, as well as the relatively easy A’s and the special treatment from teachers. Definitely more than any of that though, I enjoyed being in complete control. I enjoyed orchestrating breathtaking presentations from start to finish, choosing colors and layouts for posters, editing pages upon pages of writing to perfection and engaging an audience of previously uninterested teenagers.

Fast forward to today. As I sit at my desk (with the ubiquitous mug of green tea to my right and a stack of work to my left) reflecting on the weekend, I’m nearly moved to tears remembering my time in prayer yesterday afternoon. As I presented my situation yet again to Jesus, asking Him to do this and that so this could work out that way and that could work out this way, a revelation hit me like a splash of ice water in the face during a fever. I had yet again taken these situations out of His able hands and returned them unapologetically to their perilous perch on my shoulders. “How many times??” The realization weighed heavily upon my busy mind as I wallowed in my self-disappointment and found my ignorance difficult to believe, again.

“Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.” Psalm 55:22

“And the LORD shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.” Isaiah 58:11

“O LORD, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps.” Jeremiah 10:23

It’s not in me to work it all out. It’s not my responsibility to fight a battle that isn’t mine and it isn’t my job to carry this heavy burden on my weak shoulders. This appears to be a recurring theme in my life. Me facing obscurity; me running to God and casting my cares upon Him; me being reminded of the problems again and devising ways around, under, over or through them in my human mind; me taking the cares back from God and completely forgetting the fact that he is much more able than I; me fretting and worrying needlessly about a problem that no longer exists, really; me realizing that all of my worry was foolishness and vanity wrapped in a pretty, pink ribbon; God patiently accepting my repentance and blessing me in spite of my continued folly; me vowing not to attempt to take control next time in my embarrassment of His unfathomable gifts of love.

It’s all ridiculous and enormously incredible, really. Yet again, he guides my paths and orders my footsteps. Regardless of my absurdity. In spite of my humanity. Ever loving and guiding me. Forever my love and the air that I breathe. The blood that courses through my veins is indeed his love and the inspiration that warms my heart yet again is indeed another gift of that sure love. Perfectionist and control freak gone awry and fallen terribly in love, a beautiful work of art, indeed.

Are You Relevant?

2009-10-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

She walked into the church nearly half an hour late and took a seat on the edge of the last pew in the back of the sanctuary. She didn't know what she was supposed to wear to church, she wasn't completely sure they would let her in so late and she didn't know whether or not the church people would be afraid to come near her.

For good reason, of course. After years of partying and doing as she pleased, she bore many a scar and was probably the very epitome of sin. She spent the last number of years keeping as much distance as possible between herself and anything that resembled a church and couldn't remember the last time she spoke anything close to a prayer. She wasn't entirely sure there was such a thing as God and she was fairly certain that if there were such a thing, he wouldn't want anything to do with someone like her.

Sitting on the very last pew, close to the door in case she decided to make a run for it, she began to observe the people around her. She noticed the diversity of the congregation, with people of all ages and all colors, as she watched in amazement while they worshiped together. She watched as people responded to some invisible force and literally jumped and shouted in joy. She wondered what was wrong with them at first, but then remembered a recent Monday night at her local sports bar, where crazed fans were jumping, dancing and shouting when their team won. She hadn't thought they were crazy for responding so radically to a simple game that now seemed so insignificant...

Obviously she wasn't familiar with the song being sung by the choir at the front of the sanctuary, and she wasn't sure whether or not she even liked it, but for some annoying reason, it was making her cry. She thought maybe she was having some sort of nervous reaction to her unfamiliar surroundings and half of her wanted to make her run for the exit. She silently reminded herself why she was there and forced herself to blink away her tears and remain in her seat. She was there because she wanted to tell God, if there was such a thing, that she was finished.

She had lived it up for a number of years and had a lot of fun doing as she pleased, but now that lifestyle had somehow lost its appeal. Try as she might to turn her life around, she failed each time and had to again face the harsh reality of her life as it lay in messy shambles around her feet. She was tired of the pain and tired of failure. She was tired of returning time and time again to the things that she knew were slowly killing her and she couldn't bare to make the same mistakes yet again. She was finished.

The music changed to a slower song and she watched as people around her stood with their arms outstretched towards the sky and tears ran down their cheeks. She had no idea what she was doing as she closed her eyes to whisper her prayer to this invisible God, but she immediately felt a strange warmth and an overwhelming feeling of urgency as she did. She opened her eyes just to make sure she was still sitting in her seat and saw that everything was still the same around her.

She was amazed by the profound simplicity of the place wherein she sat. There were no colorful strobe lights or catchy electric guitar riffs being played in the background. There was no fog machine or fancy dancing to compel the attention of the audience. There were no scantily clad hostesses or trendy musicians with shaggy haircuts. Although there were none of the things here that had so often caught her attention, this twenty-two year old young woman knew that the presence she felt here was all she had ever really wanted.

This overwhelming feeling made the familiar buzz of alcohol seem so cheap and artificial. The heartfelt singing and music resounded with purpose and drew tears from her eyes even at the very back of the building. The diverse congregation with their hands raised and their faces lifted to heaven in expectancy around her tugged at her heart as she wished she had what they did. They were talking and reaching out directly to God and she knew He was real.

rel-e-vant [rel-uh-vuhnt] –adjective

Bearing upon or connected with the matter in hand; pertinent

Times are changing, as indeed they've always been, and it is true that our generation is perhaps among the most godless of generations that this world has seen. Most have undoubtedly been taught in direct contrast to the Word of God and only a small minority feels any sort of confidence in a God they cannot see. This generation has not been taught that the heart is deceitfully wicked and they most assuredly have learned to love themselves more than anyone or anything else. Disrespect, unthankfulness, dishonesty and the desire of pleasure abounds. Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth, this generation has learned to seek financial success and popularity above all else (II Timothy 3:7). Yet their thirst is unquenchable. With every new success and every pleasureful gathering, they continue to seek more.

What could possibly be more relevant for a lost world than the true presence and Word of God? Flashy presentations and worldly appearances offer little relief to a soul that has had enough of such scenes. To someone who is desperate for a new life, what significance does a colorful but powerless form of godliness carry? To broken and confused souls seeking more than they've ever known in life, what good is catchy rhythm and artistic lighting? To those who seek peace and rest for their weary hearts or those who are desperate for miracles, what is the importance of a compelling presentation? To those with endless questions and those who feel a call to live for God, how is visual relevance in fact relevant in dissemination of the Gospel?

"This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away." 2 Timothy 3:5

Love.

2009-10-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

Couples, couples, couples... they're everywhere. I love to see them being sweet to one another, exchanging those looks of admiration and smiles of acceptance. I love to watch two people who are so ridiculously in love with one another that I question their sanity and I rejoice with my friends whose relationships are moving forward in God's timing. I love old love, new love, quiet love, loud love (maybe not obnoxious love, but is it really love, anyway?), puppy love, love against the odds, head-over-heels love, unforeseen love and all the loves in between.

You know what else I love? I love being single. Now, before you call me and tell me to watch what I say or call me bitter, allow me to elucidate. I've had a boyfriend; I've been half of a couple, I've stayed up much too late talking on the phone, I've giggled at things that in hindsight were not funny, I've dreamt about my fairytale wedding (although, it's probably not much like the average fairytale wedding. I'll have to explain someday..), I've invested hours upon hours (upon hours, upon hours...) talking to the same individual for months on end, I've been proposed to and I've even planned coordinating outfits (awful, I know.) Having just admitted these atrocities to the world, I'll say that these things in and of themselves have not made me appreciate singledom.

When I finished my bachelors degree last year, I felt like a new person. Having worked full time, learned ten years worth of life lessons, seen a bit more of the world, met hundreds of new and interesting people, fallen exponentially more in love with Jesus Christ and His Word, gotten over my phobias of singing solos, driving long distances alone after dark, spiders and roller coasters with big drops since graduation, I've enjoyed a new sense of independence. I've enjoyed being able to do what I want to do and being able to carry adult conversations with the authority figures in my life. I've enjoyed traveling around the world on my own expense with my only ties being those to my parents and I enjoy answering the phone when I want to and allowing my voicemail message to cover for me when I just don't feel like talking. I've enjoyed meeting many a handsome Pentecostal guy around the country and seeing beyond our local fishing pond. I enjoy being single.

You know what I don't particularly enjoy? The fact that as of today, ninety-something percent of my youth group is involved in relationships and therefore no longer care to partake in the fun, spiritual blessing and fellowship that are: conferences. As I sit here and attempt to plan a trip to Arizona for one of said conferences, I can't think of a single (no pun intended) person in my own church who would be interesting in joining me. Sure, the younger ones would probably want to come, but they don't have jobs and I'd prefer not to be bummed off of throughout the trip. The older single ones could probably afford to go financially but have chosen somewhat stationary lives (Ha. Ha. Ha.).

This is all an epic bummer, obviously, but as the optimist I am, I can't help but be a bit excited about it all. Not only has this situation given me some concrete motivation to outreach more (lol), but it has also forced me to think outside the box and step outside of my comfort zone. This lack of traveling buddies is not new, and in the time that I've struggled with it, I've made many wonderful new friends and become closer to many old friends that I would have otherwise never had the privilege to become close to. I share hotel rooms with girls I've only met a few times (or never even met!!!), become quick friends with people who share even the most insignificant of interests and plan faraway travels with friends that I've known for weeks rather than those I've known for years.

So, things don't always turn out how I want them to turn out, and no matter how hard I try to see the big picture, I fail often. Yet, even in the midst of my frustration and confusion, God always has my best interest at heart. He sees the big picture, He knows the end from the beginning, He knows what's best for me and His ways are so unbelievably and incomprehensibly far above my ways..

Disclaimer: This does not mean I want to stay single. It just means that I enjoy it. There is a difference there. If you'd like me to explain, just ask... :)

The Art of Artificial Security.

2009-10-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

Last night was youth prayer at Hilltop Tabernacle, and I must say that it was one of the best we’ve had yet. The spirit of God was so obviously present in the sanctuary that it would have been difficult for even the coldest, driest of hearts not to be moved. As I looked around the altar towards the end of our prayer meeting, uttering words of thanks to the God of my salvation, squinting in an effort to see through the tears welling up in my eyes, I couldn’t help but notice a particular young lady (of whom I am particularly fond) and her apparent complacency. As I said, the presence of God was very substantial throughout our time together, so it troubled my heart greatly to see someone that I love not receiving the blessing that God most assuredly had for her.

I began to wonder what in the world could possibly have been keeping her from reaching out and really getting a hold of Jesus while his presence was so powerful in the room. Reflecting on conversations that I’d had with her in the past, I quickly recalled the many interests we share, ranging from the practice of law to designer accessories. I remembered that the overwhelming majority of our conversations centered around these shallow things and immediately wished I had done more to influence her direction towards eternal things rather than such temporal matters.

I began to search desperately within my thoughts for words with which to express the incredible significance of a relationship with God and prayed that He would give me wisdom to speak to her. I wanted to shake her, to scream at the top of my lungs to wake her from her spiritual stupor and remind her that tomorrow is never promised. I wanted to tell her that all the earthly things I enjoy have let me down so many times and that as I look back over my life, God has been the only constant. I longed so desperately to share with her my innumerable memories of His faithfulness in spite of my rebellion and shortcomings; to show her the many times that I was broken by life and the way that He never hesitated to put me back together and mend my wounds; to remind her that a day would eventually come when her entire universe would seem to be crashing down and smothering her, but that God’s promises will surely remain…

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

“These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, for thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.” Romans 8:35-37

I once heard a successful business person say that prayer is a crutch for the weak. I’ve worked around many thriving attorneys and businessmen who live godless lives simply because they feel that they don’t have any need for God in their lives, “although some people need that kind of thing.” When God created mankind, he did not intend for this creation to be independent of Him, constantly seeking a form of self-sufficiency and acting as gods unto themselves. The economy even in these economically challenging times, politics, corporate America, and academia; should one happen to fail or accidently reveal its true nature of delicate volatility, the others will be waiting with open arms to accept new dependents. It is no surprise, then, to see many an individual dedicate their entire lives to any of these man-made institutions to create a sense of security and stability in their lives.

Watching the countenance of a young teenager as she wades in deep complacency while a marvelous move of God is taking place around her is a gut-wrenching experience. Having spoken to her on many occasions and heard her descriptions of her goals and dreams, it becomes blatantly obvious in my mind that she has no perception of the weight of this incredible moment she’s been given. I see clearly that her understanding of the world is such that she views prayer as a mundane task on her ever-growing list of to-dos. As she prepares for a life of worldly success, she forgets that there is truly no profit in gaining the world and losing her soul.

With the economy’s disastrous crash of 1929, and the great recession we face even today, is it not obvious that depending on such a thing is unwise? Even the well-educated executives who were so recently taking their seats at the pinnacle of the corporate ladder have tumbled deep into unemployment and financial hardship in recent years, revealing to all the harsh and existent reality of an irresolute future. Oh, that we might recognize the omnipotence of our God…

“For I will not trust in my bow, neither shall my sword save me. But thou hast saved us from our enemies, and hast put them to shame that hated us. In God we boast all the day long, and praise thy name for ever. Selah.” Psalm 44:6-8

“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee” Isaiah 26:3

“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

The yellow coat. No, not the one on your teeth :)

2009-10-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

As I neared the corner and the perfect shade of mustard came into view, I found myself somewhat hesitant to move forward and complete the turn. I knew at first glance that I would fall completely in love if I allowed myself to get any closer, and the prominent "MaxMara" sign managed to signal clearly to my stunned senses that my checking account would not approve of such a dreamy love story...

Despite the thunderous warnings in my mind, I inch cautiously towards the newest object of my affection, breathless in fear that such beauty is surely a creation of my wild imagination rather than the fabulous Italian fashion house of MaxMara. At last, close enough to reach out and feel the lusciously smooth fabric, my thoughts are at once consumed by the lovely article of fall clothing before my eyes. I carefully inspect every detail, from the hem's checkered edging to the collar's skillful design, as I imagine the many outfits that would be made flawlessly complete by the yellow coat hanging gracefully in front of me.

As the dazzling waters of Boracay beaches, my stylish dreams slip all too quickly through the recesses of my mind as I realize that the stunning masterpiece before my eyes most certainly has a price tag equally as stunning. With nervous fingers and closed eyes, I grasp the tag and silently hope that it was somehow misplaced. Perhaps exchanged with that from a T-shirt in the children's department upstairs.

!??!?!?! Wait, what?!?!?!?!

So, after regaining consciousness, I snagged the coat and headed to the nearest customer service desk. Unfortunately, the coat is a bit too big for me (ahh, shattered dreams once again :)), so I'm willing to pass the savings on to someone else who's interested.

For more photos or information, comment or shoot me an email :)

Evil Days..

2009-10-09T12:48:00.000-07:00

It seems I’m a reasonably qualified representative for what is being referred to as the “Connected Generation.” Not only do I have Facebook, Blogger and Twitter accounts which are usually quite kempt with regular maintenance and updates, but I also have an iPhone application for each respective site. In addition to regular use of these apps on my phone, I partake in excessive texting throughout each day, monitor my email on a continuous basis with a “push” function on my iPhone and practically have to charge my Apple Bluetooth each time I’m within cord’s distance to an electrical outlet because I make such use of it.

My connectivity is such that it can hardly be called a habit, but is more accurately described as a lifestyle. I don’t have five children at home whom I must monitor from a distance each day, I am not yet a busy attorney whose entire agenda can change at a moment’s notice via email or phone call from opposing counsel, and I am certainly not a girlfriend head over heels in love as I await a phone call from my heart’s desire. Yet, I’ve realized my intense addiction to a life of constant connectivity to the rest of my world.

What is so bad about being connected that I’ve decided to call it an addiction comparable to caffeine or even nicotine? I’m so pleased that you’ve taken the initiative to ask, please allow me to explain…

Addiction: –noun
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
Via Reference.com

I’m searching frantically through my large handbag as despair gradually takes hold of my heart and I’m forced to face the harsh reality that my iPhone is not in my purse where it belongs. I can’t help but imagine the worst case scenario, then sweep it quickly from my mind as I attempt to hold on to an ounce of optimism.

“Okay, when did I last use it? What did I use it for? Where was I? Could it have fallen off my lap? Could it have been grabbed from the tabletop before my very eyes? Could I have left it in my car? Could I have thrown it into the garbage can with the remnants of my lunch? Am I willing to dive into the trash receptacle to find it? Am I kidding myself? Of course I’m willing to swim in a sea of garbage to recover my lost loved one!”

I’ve lost my iPhone. This tragic occurrence exceeds the dreadful losing of just a phone, as this is My iPhone. My personal assistant, my communication apparatus, my Facebook and Twitter status updater, my provider of the latest news and current events, my tip calculator, my GPS, my notepad, my music player, my alarm clock, my pocket Bible, my banker, my entertainer, my media storage, my little black book, my mall, my laptop remote, my dictionary and my locater of information and inspiration. As the weight of this terribly unfortunate occasion takes its seat on my shoulders, I can’t help but feel completely lost, dazed and confused. Hardly able to think coherently, I attempt to backtrack in an effort to locate my better half.

Suddenly, I stop everything as I abruptly notice the heaviness in my heart. This heaviness is not due to the fact that I’ve misplaced my lifeline, but because an overwhelming and creepy feeling of guilt has overcome me. I fight the urge to fall to my knees immediately, in the middle of this crowded public place, and repent for my senseless idolatry. I struggle inwardly as I realize that I’ve placed so much power in such a small, man-made thing. The power to raise my blood pressure and make me consider dumpster diving.

“For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.” Proverbs 3:26

As helpful as my iPhone is in my life, it is neither my salvation nor my inspiration. It does not offer comfort, strength, confidence and harbor in the midst of life’s storms and it doesn’t order my steps or protect me from the fiery darts of Satan. My iPhone is simply a great tool for increasing productivity and convenience, but giving it too much significance in my life would be foolish.

“See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil.” Ephesians 5:15-16

With instant communication and online social networking at our fingertips, it’s no wonder why we’re referred to as the “Connected Generation.” Surely there is no harm in networking and connecting with like-minded others, or in using technology as a tool to spread the gospel and reach out to the hungry (or find a good place to eat after church), but discretion is increasingly necessary in a day like today.

Minutes spent watching a funny cat video on Youtube could have been spent memorizing scripture or talking to someone about the grace of God. An hour spent on Facebook chat could have been spent developing a talent or increasing competence in a subject that will someday prove useful to both ourselves and the Kingdom of God. Fleeting minutes spent texting over the course of a day could have been fleeting prayers for loved ones, friends, the future, the president (and Nobel Prize winner, lol), foreign missions, coworkers or me (yes, I too need prayer :)).

The precious gift of another day that has been so graciously given to each of us should not be taken lightly. As I attempt to share with you my own convictions and burden for the days (weeks, months, hours, minutes, lives…) of the church and the youth thereof, please understand that I do so as an imperfect person (I have Twitter open in another browser window and my iPhone is sitting on its little cushion on my desk), but I do so in an effort to inspire change. Change within myself, change within my readers, change within my generation and change within the world..

The Call.

2009-09-21T14:35:00.000-07:00

Get good grades, rock the LSAT, get into an impressive school, score a position at a strong firm in a tall building with breathtaking views of the Pacific (or Atlantic, whatever..) and forever enjoy the fruits of your achievements. Just imagine the spacious corner office with the lofty mahogany desk and all-encompassing leather chair. Visualize the lovely font in which "Melissa Morris, Esq." graces the wall beside the grand entry to this corner office, and the daily white chocolate mocha (Iced, perhaps? With extra whipped cream, definitely.) waiting just inside. Picture the shiny black Lotus and the innumerable Jimmy Choos. Think of the weekends in Paris, weeks in Madrid and afternoons relaxing on a German countryside.

Now imagine an enormous, gaping hole in your heart. Imagine the glamor and lushness of it all not being enough to satisfy your longing for something more. Imagine the agonizing despair following the realization that you are not where you are supposed to be, that your life's purpose has yet to be fulfilled. The tradgedy of unrealized potential. Can you possibly imagine living each day in the midst of so much success, all the while knowing that you've failed miserably in answering the call of your life?

I can imagine. As I stood in the middle of a crowded altar, surrounded by hundreds of beautiful souls, all seeking God with a hunger I'd never seen before in my own country, my imagination functioned with unbelievable clarity. As I stood there in somewhat shocked disbelief, oblivious to the stifling heat and ridiculously high humidity with tears flowing unabashed down my cheeks, I imagined my future. I imagined the career that I had so meticulously planned for years and all of the things that such a lifestyle would bring. I imagined the luxurious amenities and leisurely travel that my hard work would eventually afford me, the fancy, world-class resorts and restaurants and the handbags.

Then, I let it all go..

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

"And He said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it." Luke 9:23-24

I just couldn't bare to leave him out...

Spending a few minutes looking at old photos last night inspired a few realizations...

2009-08-26T12:15:00.000-07:00

First of all, I was so cute when I was sixteen! I had beautiful, almost translucent baby skin and significantly narrower hips. My cheekbones were more prominent, my eyes looked larger and better rested, and I hadn't yet made the acquaintance of my 'freshman fifteen.' These particular photos were taken just a few months before my high school graduation, but in them I appear to be not a day over thirteen.

Which leads me to my other realization: my perception of myself has been so immensely skewed that I had no idea how cute I was when I was sixteen! I literally remember the days these photos were taken and can recall staring into my bedroom mirror and thinking how fat I was, wishing I were just a few inches taller and a bit more tanned. Looking at these pictures now, I would LOVE to be that thin and fresh faced once again.

As surprising as this realization is to me, a falsely (and dramatically) negative self-image is actually common among girls (more like, 'among all females'). Being the avid poser of questions that I am, I can't help but ask why. Are mirror manufacturers secretly manipulating our reflections into heifer-like monsters with enormous ears? Are we to blame for continuously comparing ourselves to airbrushed models on magazine covers and billboards? Are the guys to blame? Are most females born with a chemical imbalance that causes a particular insecurity that many males never face? Does photo paper intentionally distort young women to look more like supermodels as photos (and subjects) age?

Perhaps the answer is a little of 'all of the above,' or perhaps we just aren't supposed to know. Maybe it's actually a good thing that we're all a little insecure in ourselves so that we feel compelled to seek something more than our mere humanity, or maybe insecurity makes a girl into a better lady by encouraging her to invest more effort into being and looking her best. No matter what the answer, insecurity is a fact of life and like all facts of life, we should strive to view it in the most positive light.

So to any and all of my readers, please acknowledge the fact that no one is perfect (use me as an example if you must! haha) and take particular notice today of the beauty that God has given you. Notice the lovely way the light reflects off of your hair, look for the tiny specks of different shades or colors in your eyes, appreciate the cute way your eyes squint when you smile genuinely, notice your pretty lashes or brows. Maybe you have feminine wrists or a graceful neck that you've never really noticed before. Are you able to grow long, ladylike fingernails (if so, I'm ridiculously jealous because mine are usually quite frail..)? Do you have a contagious laugh or a bright smile? Do you have freckles (I wish I had more freckles, they are lovely!)? Curly hair (women spend hundreds of dollars on perms and curlers to get your look!)? Pin straight hair (women burn their hair to death every morning to get your look!)? A pretty wave (simply the best - yes, I'm biased as a girl with wavy hair :))? A unique hair or skin tone? God created you perfectly, and you are gorgeous. And these photos are hilarious..

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” - Audrey Hepburn

"So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him." - Psalm 45:11

2009-08-19T13:34:00.000-07:00

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

It has always struck me as amusing (twisted, I know) when people who claim to be pursuing self-expression automatically feel compelled to act out in rebellion or anarchy. The self expressionists whose acquaintance I've made in the past are, oddly and ironically enough, quite similar to one another in more ways than just their chosen title. Often choosing to dress obnoxiously in "rebel" staples including metal chains, plenty of black, and perhaps a skull or some other potentially offensive image or word placed strategically somewhere on each ensemble, these individuals seek to separate themselves from the rest of society for one reason or another.

Although numerous piercings and distasteful tattoos may repulse certain do-gooders and possibly draw many a puzzled glance, they often fail to grant these expressors of self the status they seek and so, they subject their mutilated bodies to more. I often wonder what these individuals will do should they ever happen to stumble upon their true "selves" while wading through the endless pools of other lost and hungry souls and realize that they punished their flesh for no reason at all. How will they fill the holes in their earlobes and noses? How will they remove the dark ink from their once pure skin? How will they account for the years they wasted chasing exclusivity with the throngs of others seeking the same elusive status?

Then there's the other breed of teenager who wants nothing more than to fit in. They will wear the 'right' clothes, say the 'right' words, make friends with the 'right' people, attend the 'right' parties and, no matter how ridiculous it may seem, do the 'right' things to fit in. These individuals will forsake the advice of their parents (unless, of course, their parents are also of the acceptance driven sort), spend endless amounts of money on things they don't really want, waste time trying to build "friendships" with people they really don't like and place their acceptance above most other things in their lives.

This massive portion of our society includes the social drinkers and smokers, the people who use foul language just because everyone else does, the girls who disrespect and dishonor themselves for the sake of fitting in with whichever group they view as "cool", and the millions upon millions of people who flock to sports stadiums to make gods of ordinary men who couldn't care less about their shameless worshipers. This group may also include those who wait in line for hours to get a pair of the newest designer tennis shoes and definitely includes those who refuse to so much as acknowledge the existence of an all-powerful God for fear that such a thing would cause damage to an otherwise flawless image.

"But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light" I Peter 2:9

After years of trying to find my own niche in the midst of such a crazy world, I find overwhelming peace in the fact that God has created me with an undeniable identity and an irrefutable destiny. He has chosen and called me out of the darkness of sin and confusion to be peculiar and unique, to be in the world but not of the world, to be holy and pleasing to Him. It is in this very destiny that I'm given comfort in knowing that I need not worry about fitting in or standing out, that I am not defined by the things or people around me and that I have joy and hope in something greater. Enjoy...

Rockin' the Raft

2009-08-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

So, after some careful consideration (ha), I decided that I wanted to go white water rafting. I don't consider myself an adrenaline junkie, and there are some things I have no desire to ever try. For example, I would never EVER consider skydiving. I can only imagine the absolute horror of free falling powerlessly through the seeming endless abyss of the sky (towards the very finite and painful ground beneath me) only to realize in complete terror that my life lies in the strings of a back-pack sized bundle of man-made material strapped to my back. No, thanks.

White water rafting, however, includes two things that I thoroughly enjoy: water and friends. The phenomenal workout and bit of a tan at no extra charge were just a few extra perks of the adventure.

I don't know how, but apparently I managed to keep the cheesiest grin on my face the whole entire time we were on the river (see below for absolute proof). I can't decide if I look like I was completely terrified to the point of irrationality or if I was really having the time of my life. In fact, I had a fabulous time with my friends Ashley and Colton and I can't wait to head out to the river again. Enjoy the hilarious pics..

We did it Pentecostal style and boy, did we get noticed! HAHA!

And my personal favorite..

Why I love the Storms

2009-08-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

Wondering why you seem to be the only one in the youth group who doesn't quite fit in can be quite discouraging. The abrupt ending of a lengthy relationship is not a pleasant thing to endure, particularly when others who were once 'friends' choose to make sport of your failure. Facing the harsh reality that you don't have anyone on this earth to call 'friend' is not a particularly enjoyable experience. Mistakes made irrationally bring regret and shame. Adoring a parent who is everything you could have asked for, besides a Christian, is frustrating after years of inviting, praying, witnessing, pleading and fasting. Watching those who you love the most enduring pain and sickness will quickly render you helpless and depressed. Praying to God but feeling like your prayers are bouncing off the ceiling and ending up right back on the carpet around you is more than just disheartening.

The aforementioned situations have not been selected at random, but in fact they are each a part of my history, my life and myself. If you know me at all, you know that I'm not a melancholic person by any stretch of the imagination, and it's a rare moment that I spend thinking about anything negative. Yet, as I see others going through storms of their own, I can't help but empathize by reminiscing on memories of difficulties past and by reexamining the scars my battle wounds have left behind.

While probably not the prettiest things in the world, I love these scars. I love them because I've earned them, and because they represent lessons learned, decisions made, victories won and growth that would have otherwise never taken place. I look fondly upon these scars because I have realized that it was during their respective storms that I learned how to pray, how to apologize and how to be patient. I learned for myself that in Jesus I have more than I could ever possibly need, including a friend, a comforter, a healer, strength, hope, peace, direction, a provider, and a forgiver.

It's during the storms of my life that I've gained perspective and learned to accurately determine between the petty and the important. It's while broken and weak that I realized that I'd rather have God in control of my life than myself. It was during the times when it seemed like everyone was against me that I found a best friend in Jesus. It's when I couldn't find a way out of my difficult situation that I learned to trust in the mysterious ways of God and know that He will never leave me or forsake me. It's at the point when I knew I could take absolutely no more that I felt the great comfort of God's promises to keep me.

It was also during the storms that I noticed things about myself that needed to change. Character flaws and immaturity rose to the surface during times of struggle, and I realized that only God was able to make permanent changes within me. Once-subtle traces of stubbornness, narcissism, rebellion and bitterness became increasingly obvious as I found myself inching progressively deeper into the storms. I finally realized that if it were not for the storms, these ugly things would have remained hidden in the deepest corners of my heart, growing silently and eventually causing serious damage to my soul.

So you see, I carry the memories of my past storms with great joy and thankfulness, because without those storms I could never have moved forward into the abundant blessings that God intended for me.

Melissa. The Cougar.

2009-07-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I am a happily single twenty year old who is waiting on God for her future husband and is in absolutely no rush to the altar (at least not with marital motives)! In addition to the individuals discussed below, I met many great older guys during the past weeks and I believe that God will work everything out according to his plan (if that means spending my life with someone who's 4 years younger than me, so be it). So allow my story to ensue...

I've never met so many great guys in such a short period of time before in my life. The past two weeks have been a whirlwind filled with an impressive variety of handsome, funny, smart and godly young men, all very available and possibly interested.

Why does there always have to be a catch?

The overwhelming majority of these guys are younger than me (see photo above), some quite significantly (significant meaning the guy just had his seventeenth birthday. How in the world is he that tall and that seemingly mature at seventeen?! Not a trace of acne to be found.). I agree that once people hit their twenties, age gaps become increasingly less significant, but these are teenage boys that I was talking to and I couldn't help but feel older-sisterish with them.

Observe the following snippet from a conversation from the past week's festivities:

Me: So you're eighteen, huh? Are you still in high school?

Handsome and much too confident to be eighteen: No, actually I graduated in June of last year. I'm already about to be a sophomore in college!

Me: Ahh, I see.. That's funny cause I also graduated last June. With a bachelors degree.

Handsome and much too confident to be eighteen: Wow!

Me: Yeah. Wow.

So as I sit here typing this post, I can't help but wonder why there wasn't a ridiculous amount of cute eighteen year old guys with fantastic personalities around when I was seventeen or eighteen? Or was there? What mutation took place in the Pentecostal gene pool eighteen or nineteen years ago to cause a wave of unbelievably good-looking and outgoing males to be born? Why couldn't I have been born a year or two later? Will all of these guys be married by the time they enter my market? Did God allow this as a joke directed at me? Is he laughing at me right now? If there are older guys just as wonderful out there, why don't they come talk to me like these ones? Did I offend the first eighteen year old when I giggled at his attempt to get my number? Geez, I hope not. Do these boys see me as an auntie? A mother in the faith?

It's about this time that I force myself to stop wondering before I throw my green tea at the computer screen.

All things considered, these young guys were most definitely on their best behavior while trying to 'holla' at convention, and they may very well be the most immature beings on the surface of the planet. Add to this the maturity levels of the older guys I know (sometimes non existent) and the fact that guys generally mature slower than girls do (and some guys never really mature. Shutter.), and I am even more perplexed by the seeming unfairness of the current fishing pool.

It's during these somewhat confusing times that I've learned to refocus myself on the things of God and trust in Him to work everything together for my good..

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; Perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not abandoned; Struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Haha.. Oops. Here it is:

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

"Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37:4-5

In closing, if you ever happen to run out of things to pray about, pray for me and the lucky guy who gets stuck living with my shoe collection and I. Love ya!

Ahh, the famous (or infamous, depending on how you want to look at it) inquiry: "Why don't you cut your hair?"

2009-07-14T21:05:00.001-07:00

It's quite the life, this one that I've chosen. Along with the constant peace, fulfillment and joy that I've found in my faith, is the never ending curiosity of the world around me. I have no problem admitting that there was a time when all I wanted to do was blend into the crowd, and even today I'm not particularly fond of being in the spotlight, but somewhere throughout the years of my life I've managed to develop a profound appreciation for being different.

"Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean [thing]; and I will receive you.." II Corinthians 6:17

"But ye are a chosen generation,a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should show forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light " 1 Peter 2:9

Picture this: it is a lovely spring day in San Diego and I decide to hit the mall. I enter the bustling shopping center from the adjoining parking structure and begin my joyous excursion through my second home (I wish). As I make my way through some of my favorite venues in the modern world (although I've never seen the other side of the Mississippi, I'm convinced that things can't help but be better with the tantalizing breeze of the Pacific), I can't help but notice the gawking.

Note: By "gawking," I mean shameless, jaw skimming the concrete, eyes bulging is disbelief and slurred, indecipherable speech kind of gawking.

Did I forget to put on an important article of clothing? Quick glance at reflection from store window shows full coverage. Thank God. Did those white chocolate macadamia nut cookies I ate last night have a greater impact on my backside than I anticipated? Another quick glance at Aldo's shiny glass storefront is proof that the havoc of last night's delicious calories was limited. Am I growing a fluffy orange tail? Hmm.. Oh no, my skirt must be completely see-through in the sunlight! My skirt was flawlessly tailored from a very structured denim, and may as well be made of carpeting, with it's consistency.

"Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her as a covering." 1 Corinthians 11:13-15

It's my hair. I decided to wear it down today and everyone on the first two floors of this mall has taken notice. My hair is around four inches shorter than I am, and apparently that is a HUGE deal and everyone has to see it. My hair is also quite thick, voluminous (thanks to my mama's genes and San Diego's mild climate) and surprisingly healthy for hair that doesn't have a relationship with scissors (trust me, it takes some effort to keep it that way).

This is just one of the ways that I've chosen (and continue to choose, everyday) to worship and serve God. When I awake in the morning (or afternoon, on a certain rare occasion :)) I make the conscious decision that I will remain holy unto Him. I don't believe that being different on the outside will take me to heaven, but I have learned from experience that there is a great blessing to be gained in living a life submitted completely to the word of God and wanting to remain "different" no matter how challenging it seems sometimes.

So I continue my gleeful trip through the mall, smiling and making eye contact with as many passers by as possible. I take a second to notice and be grateful for the extra pep in my step and warmth in my heart that comes from knowing that God has blessed me with my glory, and that I'm ready with the answers to any questions about it..

Five lessons.. take notes! :)

2009-07-06T20:58:00.000-07:00

2009 is half over already, and I'm still writing 2008! Just kidding! Really though, the days, weeks and months are melting through my fingers much quicker than I would like for them to do so.

"Go to now, ye that say, Today or tomorrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain: Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away." -James 4:13-14

During the last few months of last year, after having gone through some drastic changes (understatement) in my life, I rediscovered this powerful scripture and determined in my heart to live by it for the rest of my life. Since that day, I've realized that life is much too short to hate, wear ugly shoes, be careless, eat tasteless food, be rude, be complacent or live anything less than the abundant life that God intended for me.

Top 5 lessons I've learned in no particular order?

1. My spiritual and natural families are my best friends on this earth and I would do anything for them. This includes the ones with *ehhem* "different" personalities and those who are maybe not as strong as they should be right now.

2. Cast all my cares upon the Lord. Every care. No matter what.

3. See the big picture. Will this huge issue matter a year from now? A week from now? Probably not. Will the millions of souls who have never heard of Acts 2:38 salvation matter a year from now? Absolutely.

4. Notice the little things. Love the little ones.

5. Never stop giving. Have 5 minutes to spare? A few dollars? The blessings gained from giving are a hundred times better than using those resources on myself.

Also, take lots of pictures because someday, we will all be old, wrinkly, and possibly very unattractive. Enjoy a few pics from the weekend's festivities!

Confession of a holic.

2009-07-06T10:25:00.000-07:00

Doritos are disgusting. Doritos soaked in lemon are sour and disgusting. Yet, the mere thought of this useless calorie-laden dish entices my taste buds and causes my mouth to water. I intentionally don't allow myself anywhere within a three mile radius of Doritos for this exact reason, but sometimes the proximity is out of my control and my strong-as-nails will power disintegrates into orange, processed-cheese-tasting dust.

This holiday weekend was blessed beyond measure and I had an incredible amount of fun with my family, so my lingering high-on-life attitude is allowing me only the most minimal of grief. Yet I must admit to you, faithful blog readers (if you exist), that I succumbed to the siren call of the Doritos. Possibly more than once.

I was sitting in the kitchen, engaging in delightful chit-chat with my four year old nephew when suddenly, from the corner of my eye, I noticed the familiar bright red of the Doritos bag. I tried to ignore it's tempting call by diving deeper into our conversation about one of the fascinating members of the Autobots, which (surprisingly) worked. I eventually overcame the greasy chips sitting in the pantry just a few feet away from my perch on the bar stool and moved to the family room with a few more of the nephews.

As I gloried in my triumph over the junk food, one of my sweetie pies decided he wanted "pips" and pulled me back to the kitchen. I should have realized that there was no way irony could possibly ignore this opportunity to kick my butt, but I didn't. Nephew dearest led me directly past several cabinets filled with delicious snacking possibilities and the refrigerator filled with all sorts of vitamin-packed options to the pantry and pointed to the Dorito bag.

So here I sit this morning, with my second mug of decaf green tea nestled comfortably in the flowing material of my fat-skirted lap (yes, I had to relocate the fat-skirt), surprisingly grateful for my return to work. It's a relief to find myself where the green tea flows freely and the junk food does not, where the restroom's mirrors must have been stolen from a carnival funhouse somewhere (I could not possibly look that bad in real life.. Just not possible.), and where the eyes of the organic-loving gym addicts silently urge my shoulders back, back straight, legs crossed, chest out and chin up.

In Honor of the Contemporary Masterpiece that is...

2009-07-02T09:53:00.000-07:00

At first glance, you appear to be just an ordinary government building, with characteristically drab walls, inexplicably slippery floors and insufficient parking. Indeed, your automated entry doors have somewhat differentiated you from the others (on the days that they work and don't leave me standing in front of them in anxious anticipation, only to be disappointed..), yet there is so much more.

With your artful blend of the traditional and the cutting-edge, it is no surprise to me that the mere mention of your name elicits a spike in blood pressure in some, perhaps flashes of heat and rapidly pounding hearts in others. Nor is it surprising to me that your loyal employees are the subject of many an intriguing conversation.

I am surprised, however, by your unwavering ability to consistently locate and recruit people of such caliber. With their interesting (read: hideous) makeup and hairstyles, impressive focus (I mean really, who else can manage an entire business transaction without eye contact, a smile, a hello or even any talk about the weather!?), delightful conversation ("NEXT!" "Do you want to send this certified?" "NEXT!" "I'm out of 10's and 5's. I'll have to give you $13 in quarters and small change." "NEXT!"), a sincere concern for the nation's economy ("It's better to send insured and certified. You want insurance and certification? It will only cost $784.13. Are you sure you don't want insurance and certification? It is always best to send insured. And certified.") and willingness to help (unless, of course, I have a valid concern- in which case they prefer to a. stare in glazed-over complacency, b. provide a perfect explanation for a question I did not ask, c. attempt to make me feel like an idiot for not knowing California's postal regulations, or d. a mixture of the above.)

In closing, my dear, old friend, I would like to thank you for always providing me with a good laugh. For the many times you've made me grateful for the good folks at the DMV, for the exercise you've provided my reflexes with your slippery floors, for the diversity you provide our community by hiring customer service people who don't know enough English to order a meal at Taco Bell, and for always being there (I'm only minimally infuriated that you no longer provide semi-convenient passport service).

Here's to many more years of a mutually enjoyable relationship between you and I!

Is this you?

2009-06-29T15:50:00.001-07:00

Either you believe in the Bible, or you do not. There is no ‘sort of,’ ‘sometimes’ or ‘maybe’ when it comes to one’s beliefs in God, religion or the Bible. It’s sort of like being pregnant, either you are or you are not. There is no ‘sort of’ pregnant just like there is no ‘sort of’ believing in God.

Considering all of the above, why is it that so much of my generation is indecisive about their spiritual beliefs? Some claim to be Christians, as in followers of Christ, and believers in the Bible, yet they live contrary to Christ’s and the Bible’s teachings. How could one truly and completely believe in something without living a lifestyle in accordance with its teachings? Would such an effortless claim to religiosity not be hypocritical in the worst sense of the word?

I’ve asked friends whether or not there is a heaven, whether or not there is a hell, whether or not Jonah was swallowed by a whale, and whether or not the human species evolved from monkeys. I got a few solid answers, a few answers posed as questions (those are always fun - Not), and a whole lot of indifference and confusion.

After my initial reactions of concern and sorrow (and annoyance, of course, for the question posers), I couldn’t help but wonder if today’s up and coming leaders even believe in the existence of a soul anymore. It seems to me that at some point in the last couple decades, belief in things unseen, including one’s soul has become uncool, almost taboo.

Even the quickest glance at American society today is enough to prove that while what was once a source of great pride has become shameful, unthinkable even, those things that were once appalling and dishonorable earn the praise of millions, the dollars of millions more and the front pages of media outlets everywhere. Words like “modesty,” “chastity,” “holiness” and “humility” are no longer relevant, and even the most innocent programs on television have been linked to perversion.

In the midst of such a society, it is no surprise that the generation growing into adulthood today has no concern for even their own souls, much less consciousness for the souls of the rest of the world. As many, and perhaps even most, young adults don’t know what they believe in with regards to spirituality and a supreme God, I can only imagine what the next generation of Americans will believe in.

So I challenge anyone visiting my blog today and any day, know what you believe in, know why and don’t leave room for any doubt. Observe the world around you, ponder the vastness of the universe, study the complexity of the human body, and ask yourself if there is a God. Consider the profundity of a relationship between husband and wife, the intensity of love between mother and children, the delicate balance of the elements and their affect on the atmosphere, the presence of God that can be felt through simple prayer, the awe-inspiring beauty of the natural world, the depth of the deepest of oceans, and ask yourself if there if you have a soul.

I Think Preppy + Alice in Wonderland is an Appropriate Title :)

2009-06-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

The Consistency of Contradiction?

2009-06-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

1. I love to think and to learn, but I've learned that thinking rationally is not always the best way to gain understanding.

2. I'm a realist, but I know that some things that are not seen are more real than the things that appear to be.

3. I am a foodie, but not a food snob.

4. I love to enjoy the aesthetic beauty of the world around me, but I've set my heart on things that are not of this world.

5. I've learned many valuable lessons from those who teach that there are never absolutes, but the most significant thing they've taught me is to believe in God absoutely and never be moved.

6. I believe that my destiny was determined before I was born, but I feel free to do as I choose out of passion rather than obligation.

7. I want to study the law and become a lawyer, but I do not want to study the law only because I want to become a lawyer.

8. I run whenever I have the time, but usually I have to run because I have no time.

9. I'm the epitomy of a girlie girl, yet I'm too much woman for most guys my age. Thought you'd like that one..

10. I'm usually quiet when I'm not completely comfortable, but I'm most comfortable presenting complex information to large rooms full of speculative people.

11. I've made mistakes that are still enough to make me blush with embarrassment, but I have no regrets and look fondly at the lessons I've learned.

12. I prayed for God to use my life for years before I realized that he's been using it since it first began.

13. I am intrigued by things I don't comprehend, but I couldn't tell you why.

14. My uniform generally includes argyle, plaids, bows and pink, yet I frequently break the rules.

15. I find uncoolness undeniably cool.

16. Some people think I'm too complicated and high maintenance, but I'm simply the way God made me and I realize not all minds can appreciate the thrill of a challenge.

17. I'm defined by so many things, yet I'm impossible to define.

18. I am passionate about my interests, but cannot imagine being interested in only one passion at any given moment.

19. I eat the crust first, but believe that life is too short to save dessert for last.

20. I love classical music but do not hate RnB.

21. I hate sports but love the feeling of my accelerated heartbeat and the earth sailing quickly beneath my feet.

22. I follow the politics of the world actively but refuse to be a political activist.

23. I'm very generous with my time, but I never forget its value.

24. I would rather work smart than work hard, but I can't stand laziness and I enjoy the fruits of my labor.

25. I could be very competitive sometimes, but only when I'm competing against myself.

26. I am completely content with the blessing of a relationship with God, but I'm never satisfied with my relationship with Him.

27. I have thousands of dreams, but I do more than just dream about them.

28. I'm on artist on some days and all business on others.

29. I love doing hair but refuse to go anywhere near a hair salon.

30. I like to think I'm different, but so does everyone else.

So this is what happens when I have half an hour of free time. C'est la vie!

I wouldn't mind leaving the beach, but I don't want to leave them :(

2009-06-04T21:52:00.000-07:00

Sure, east coast schools are the business, but how could I give up chillin' with these homies?

Mid-Year Resolution

2009-06-03T13:51:00.000-07:00

So there I was: the epitome of obliviousness in all of its glory. I went to Nordstrom on my lunch break not to socialize, or even shop, really. I went because I love Nordstrom. Regardless of my impending brokenness or the ever-threatening desolation of nearly zero shopping time in my schedule, there’s always something good to be found at Nordy’s.

I was standing between the Juicy Couture watches and a glassy shelf of fine jewelry when the random attractive male at the same counter says ‘hey.’ Naturally I reply with a smile and a ‘hey’ and continue my drooling (probably an exaggeration) over Juicy’s super-girlie watch collection.

“How are you doing today?” asks the random stranger who is now completely interrupting my 350mph thoughts. I look up, a little confused by the question because a.) clearly, I’m busy drooling over said watches and anyone genuinely concerned with how I’m doing would not be brave enough to interrupt such a thing and b.) random stranger is suddenly staring much too deeply into my eyes to simply nod off.

So, as my thoughts come to a crashing halt, I fail (thrice) to break eye contact, completely forget about the precious charm watch under the glass, and attempt to answer his inquiry.

“Uh.. insert four second pause… I’m well, thank you. How are you?” I was a bit flustered by this point, which surprised me enough to fluster me even more.

I’m going to pause (maybe pause, maybe end completely) the story here because this is huge. Really, huge. I was flustered. By a cliché conversation starter. This tiny (more like monumentally enormous) detail caught my never-wavering curiosity and I found myself interested in the guy wandering near the Juicy counter.

The Juicy counter, for goodness’ sake. Sure, he was attractive, but he was a far cry from anything I’m looking for, particularly while ogling over pink and silver charm watches by one of my favorite designers. So I was intrigued. I wanted (by wanted, I mean needed) to figure out what about “how are you” completely messed me up.

After studying the entire setting for a good half a second, it hit me. This guy had an overwhelming sense of confidence. It was like he didn’t even consider the possibility of me not being interested in him, as if failure was not an option.

I wondered to myself whether or not I possessed a similar ability to render others thoughtless and realized that I probably don’t. For one thing, I’m usually in a rush, so I don’t typically take enough time to actually develop an interest in learning things about the people around me. Second, when I am around people who seem to be my “type,” I think too much. Among a colorful variety of other things, I wonder if they’re in a rush like I usually am, what their “type” is and whether or not I fit into it. Generally, my over-thinking pushes me in the opposite direction of these interesting people and I avoid encounters altogether.

Sitting at my desk right now, I’m puzzled by the number of potential friendships, outreach opportunities, or relationships that I’ve passed up because of my lack of easy confidence like today’s random stranger. Sure, a lack of confidence hasn’t ever really been a huge problem for me, but the kind of confidence that enables you to start a conversation with a complete stranger in the middle of completely unfamiliar territory is somewhat elusive to me.

So, in light of my experience of this afternoon, I’ve decided to step it up. It’s a fact that rewarding things don’t always come easily and that sometimes you have to make uncomfortable changes in order to get what you want. I’m going to slow down, say hello, and make an effort to develop genuine interest in those around me. I’ll smile, ask questions, and really listen to the answers.

Here we go!

P.S. This is day one and I’m in an office full of people I already know, so it’s easy to say what I’m going to do. What might be more interesting is how I’m feeling about my little resolution next week at this time! Complete and utter failure? Stay tuned...